


Under The Lights (Within The Pages)

by felinesandbeanies



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Artist!John, Emotional Baggage, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Guitarist!John, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Self-Acceptance, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2019-10-24 11:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17703737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felinesandbeanies/pseuds/felinesandbeanies
Summary: Alexander felt himself smile. “Do you normally have strangers step on your books so that you have a chat up line?”“Usually I just look and see if they look back,” Laurens said, smiling wider at the banter.“And that works for you?”“I don’t know,” Laurens shrugged. “You tell me.”“I’m Alexander Hamilton,” he said, extending his hand.“John Laurens."ORAlexander steps on a book during Peggy's gig and meets John Laurens.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A passion project of sorts really.

Loud.

It was pretty fucking loud. 

Alexander Hamilton was in this sketchy looking place with Lafayette and Hercules, totally not in his own element yet not feeling completely out of it. There were a lot of teenagers scattered all over the place, overpriced beer in their hands. It was almost ridiculous how this place had double the price of regular beer yet it didn’t care to look as if it was worthy of doing that. 

If he wanted to have a sensory overload then he should have just walked in the perfume section of a mall. But he needed this sort of distraction, needed to take his mind away from whether or not he would be accepted in law school. Lafayette was also waiting for his results too but Alexander had no doubt that he would get in.

Isn’t it such an odd thing to see the potential in everyone but yourself. 

“Why are we here again?” Alexander sighed, paying more money for an entrance than he is used to. He doesn’t mind though because he knows his money is going to smaller bands who are just trying to make it, he just minds that he might not be able to buy himself a book for a while. 

“Our friends are going to perform tonight,” Lafayette grinned. “We’re here to support them since I’ve been bailing on their gigs for quite some time now.” 

“Our friends?” Alexander repeated. 

“Well, Margarita is there.” 

“Marga—-Peggy is in a band?” He knew that the Schuyler sisters were into music but the band thing was fairly new since he wasn’t even updated about it or maybe he was just _that_ out of the loop. 

Hercules returned with three bottles of beer in his hand, Alexander failed to even see him disappear in the crowd. “First round is on me.”

“How’s inside?” 

“Packed,” Hercules grunted. “Best we squeeze in now while they’re setting up and the people are shuffling around.” 

They started to move when Alexander managed to trip on something. He scowled, looking down but then felt confusion when a book stared up at him. It was completely out of place in this area. The book was ‘The Little Prince’ —- even more out of place. It was too much of a wholesome book to even be found in an area that had band stickers scaling up the walls and ceilings.

“Found a book,” Alexander said as he squeezed through the crowd and stood beside Hercules. He noticed that there wasn’t any sort of stage or platform in the venue, they would literally just stand in front of the band members.

Hercules snorted. “It’s following you.” 

“Who would bring that here?” Lafayette questioned. “Weird.” 

Alexander shrugged. “Least I have something to do when it gets too loud.” 

“Alex, are you actually 80 years old?” Hercules laughed. 

“I’m anemic and healthy thank you very much.” 

Hercules rolled his eyes. “Poster boy for healthy living then?” 

“Drape me like your Greek civilization, Mulligan,” Alexander scoffed. It was, admittedly, not his best joke. 

Lafayette snorted. “A fashion design joke would make you win this argument...how?”

“Fuck o—-” 

“Guys!” A voice cut in. It was Peggy wearing a yellow tube top with wide leg pants. There were stars stuck near the corner of her eyes and she practically bounced with energy. “You all made it!” She gave Lafayette a look. “ _For once._ ” 

Lafayette held up both of his hands in quiet surrender. “Mercy.” 

“I’m glad you took my advice on styling you,” Hercules said, grinning. 

Peggy winked in response before turning to Alexander. “Ham, glad to see that you’re not an ancient petrified dinosaur piece in front of your laptop but you....brought a book?” 

Alexander couldn’t help but laugh. “Glad to see you too Pegs.” 

“Eliza and Angelica are both just setting up since they’re working in technicals,” Peggy said, taking a peak behind her to see that Eliza was setting up the laptop and synth, then back to the three men in front of her. “I can introduce you to the rest later on.” 

“Break a leg,” Hercules said. 

“Been there, done that,” Peggy huffed.

If there’s one thing Alexander didn’t expect it would have to be the fact that he enjoyed the smell of watermelon vape. It made him a bit dizzy but it’s better than the usual cigar smell he’s gotten so used to back in Nevis. It was fucking cancer that’s what it was. He took a swig of his beer before opening The Little Prince with the other.

He remembered having read this before during the time that he just collected books at random without even reading the summary. He liked just grabbing something that felt right and it’s been so long since he’s done that. He wondered if this book still felt right to him...it did. He reads on, occasionally taking a much needed sip of beer. 

Alexander had always liked the Rose, always liked how proud yet fragile she truly was. It was almost the perfect depiction of young and naive love. Love that would rarely last. He had missed loving someone so unapologetically and bravely. 

Then the lights dimmed.

The first thing Alexander noticed before he looked up from his book was that the sound was peaking but he knew the Schuyler sisters and he knew that they knew their way around the technicalities of music so it would probably have been the shitty audio equipment of the place. If he didn’t date Eliza and if he didn’t learn about all of the music jargon and trivia then he wouldn’t have noticed the faulty audio.

The lights were too shitty for him to read.

Then he looked up. 

The second thing he noticed were eyes that looked back and curly hair that threatened the strength of a hair tie. Alexander would be outright fucking lying if he said that he didn’t have a thing for curly hair and an obvious passion for something. This guitarist seemed to have both. However, he always refrained from dating musicians since...well, they weren’t dull, it’s just that they never had anything to talk about. Alexander wasn’t particularly 100% into music like how a person in a band would be. 

He thought that maybe this guitarist would break eye contact after a bit and he did but he’d always capture Alexander’s eyes after a bit. Alexander can’t deny that this guy looked very attractive. Blue front lights that danced on him and pirouetted on his freckles, red back lights that set his hair ablaze. The drop of sweat that went down his throat was practically enticing. 

“Sweet Jesus,” Hercules groaned from beside him. 

Alexander snapped out of his reverie. “What.” 

“You’re practically swallowing him whole.”

He snorted. “Double meaning.”

“What’s double meaning?” Lafayette asked, leaning forward to look at both of them. “Am I missing something?” 

“Alex here is eyeing the guitarist.” 

“Ah, the curly hair again.” Lafayette laughed. “So you liking him so far?” 

Alexander risked a glance at John only to see that he was looking back. “You could say that.” 

Peggy’s set was incredible to say the least. It was inde which isn’t usually Alexander’s main choice but he’s so diverse with music that he’s learned to just appreciate every music genre (even country but Take Me Home, Country Roads will forever be his hell). 

Peggy was the lead singer but handled the piano and the synth. Remi, the youngest and only brother of the Schuyler sisters, was on the drums. There was a man with blonde hair on the bass. Finally, the lead guitarist was curls with freckles. God help him he’s not going to go for this one. He can’t even imagine a conversation with him.

“Hey, guys, we’re The Movement,” Peggy said. “That’s Remi on the drums, John on the bass, Laurens on the guitar—-” Laurens proceeding to show her up with a smooth guitar lick. Peggy laughed. “ —-and I’m Peggy.” 

“Love you, Peggy!” It sounded like Eliza screaming from the sound booth. 

Peggy’s nose scrunched up. “Oh, _family_ , you gotta love them.” 

Alexander laughed. “You’re awesome, Pegs.” 

Peggy’s eyes shined, sharp. “Some of my closest friends are here tonight, one of them even brought a book—-”

“It’s not even—-” 

“ —-much love, Ham. You know we adore you. This next song is our last so we’re bringing it down with something chill.” 

A deafening cheer followed. 

 

__

_Down on your luck_

_Going through what you did to me_

_But when I see you it hurts_

_It hurts to know that you’re not sorry_

_Tell me, baby, did it feel right?_

_To have me then leave me in plain sight_

_Oh_

_Lie to me_

_Why won’t you lie with me?_

__

 

“This doesn’t seem to be her writing style,” Alexander said. 

Lafayette leaned in again. “That’s cause it’s not, Peggy writes half of the songs and Laurens writes the other.”

“He writes?” He felt the familiar feeling of a forming attraction.

“Oui.” 

“Oh.” Interesting but it doesn’t mean anything. 

Alexander enjoyed the rest of the set, the way Peggy puts emotion into every single word. She always had a knack for that, always put her heart into everything. He always thought the the sisters were kind of like a venn diagram. Angelica would be the mind, Eliza would be a share of heart and mind, while Peggy was mostly doing everything from the heart. They had their flaws but they kept each other in check. 

The beer bottle in his hand had long since been emptied and now he’s just wondering where in the world he could leave it. It wasn’t enough to have an effect of him but he allowed himself to pretend a bit, pretends that his sway wasn’t because of the music. Everything was so loud and in your face, he had no choice but to lose himself anyway. 

When the crowd chanted “MORE, MORE, MORE.” It was only then Alexander had snapped out of his self induced trance only to realize that The Movement was done performing. 

The lights turned back on and some kind of background music played as their band fixed their set up. Lafayette was the first one to step into the small space for the performers. “You were great, Margarita.” 

“Don’t call me that here,” Peggy groaned. “I’m cool here.” 

“And, apparently, 12,” Eliza chimed in, laughing. 

Peggy scowled. “The set up.” 

“Yes, boss,” Eliza sang. 

“So, how’d you like it?” Peggy asked, trying to act calm but seemed to have been excited to ask it. 

“You were great, Pegs,” Alexander grinned. “I loved your last song.” 

“Oh it was written by Laurens over there.” Said boy was just packing up his guitar. “Good things come out of a broken heart.” 

Hercules snorted. “Might as well make profit out of the pain.” 

“ _Exactly._ ” Peggy said. “We’ll finish up here then we’ll meet you outside.” 

“Sure,” Lafayette said, gently pushing Alexander to signal that they should exit the small space. 

“I’ll regroup with you later,” Alexander said once they stepped out. “I want a breather.”

“Go ahead,” Hercules nodded. 

Lafayette was about to argue but seemed to go against it anyway, choosing to nod instead. 

Alexander walked out of the small gate. The street was pretty small, he could see that there were groups of people sat on different parts of the sidewalk, happily chatting amongst each other. Alexander chose to cross the street and sit under the street light, sighing as he opened the book once more. 

He didn’t hate bars or live performances but his senses were more sensitive than most people and it wasn’t weird for him to feel like his senses are overloading. He was especially sensitive to sound and smell. There was one time that he helped Eliza with setting up the speakers and adjusting it from the board. It took twenty minutes of long exposure to loud sounds for him to get a migraine. He almost vomited if it wasn’t for Eliza offering for a moment outside.

He just needed small breaks and that was that. 

“I see you’ve found my book,” a voice said, cutting into his thoughts. 

He looked up to see that it was the guitarist. It seemed so stupid to be at a loss for words but wow here he was sat on concrete looking up at this angel who had a halo made by the light of the street lamp. The smile was toothy yet soft and gentle. It wasn’t at all like the persona he had during his performance. He also noticed that he’s changed his shirt. He used to think that Romeo was a bit dumb for losing words when he looked up at Juliette while she was peeking through her window. Now...now he gets it.

Alexander felt himself smile. “Do you normally have strangers step on your books so that you have a chat up line?” 

“Usually I just look and see if they look back,” Laurens said, smiling wider at the banter. 

“And that works for you?”

“I don’t know,” Laurens shrugged. “You tell me.” 

“I’m Alexander Hamilton,” he said, extending his hand. 

“John Laurens,” he replied, taking Alexander’s hand and shaking it. “Mind if I...?”

“Not at all.” John nodded and sat beside him, leaning back and bracing himself with his hands. “I’d say something cheesy like the stars are nice but that doesn’t mean shit here so, hey, this street lamp is very well lit.” 

Alexander laughed. “Thank god for electrical companies.” 

“Trump’s America.” Alexander must have made a horrendous face because John took a look and cackled. “Nice to know your political stand. I’m not pro-Trump.” 

“Oh, good,” Alexander sighed in relief. “So...why did you bring this book at a place like this.” 

“I’m also a graphic designer and I’m taking in some commissions for clients. One of them asked for a design inspired by The Little Prince so I have to do some research before I execute it,” John explained. “As much as I enjoy the starving artist trope, it doesn’t exactly bode well for me.”

“Do you like it..the book?” High stakes.

“Of course,” he answered. “I like it a lot, I like most books. I’ve gotten into the habit of just picking at random and sticking to it. I’m especially fond of books on philosophers though.” 

Alexander felt his mouth mimic a fish out of water. “Is that so?” 

“Heidegger?” 

Alexander will not admit that he was fond of Heidegger. He’s also surprised that he’s letting John talk more than him, he’s usually the chatty one but it felt nice to feel some sort of connection with this guy. He’s recently read on a self-help book (Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff...Omnibus) that he should listen more and it’s helped a lot when making an argument or in understanding. He likes to think that he’s working on his temper and is getting better. “I know the guy.” 

John grinned toothily. “I love his take on death because it makes the most sense for me. It’s complicated at first but taking the time to understand him is really great.” 

“At this point, I’m just trying not to disappoint Karl Marx,” Alexander huffed. 

“So...what do you do?” John had hugged his knees, cheek resting on it as he faced Alexander. 

“I write and I own a small blog.” Small is an understatement, he’s already built a small empire just by doing and it’s the main reason why he’s here in New York. “But right now I’m just waiting to see if I get into law school.” 

“Ah, so a genius.” 

“Aren’t you?”

John eyes flicked up, in thought. “You could say that. I was supposed to go to law school.” 

“What happened.” 

“Well it was my dad forcing it on me when I really wanted to get into med school.”

“Then what happened.” 

“I was disowned and I didn’t have enough money but I did have pen and paper so I drew my way out of this hell hole and got a scholarship for college for an art degree,” Laurens said. “I’ve been accepting different jobs to make ends meet ever since then.”

Alexander stared at this musician boy he thought didn’t have an ounce of substance to even hold a conversation yet there he was telling Alexander about how he used pen and paper to get out of a horrible situation. It reminded him of his own past, his own hardships. “You did well today by the way.” 

“Thanks.”

“You know I normally don’t hit on musicians.”

Laurens laughed. “Well, you know how to make me feel special then.” 

“Shut up,” Alexander laughed. “It’s just I never relate to the whole music scene.” 

“You must have talked to people with their heads too far up their asses,” John said. “For what it’s worth, I normally don’t talk to politicians.”

“Why?”

“They just give me the heebie jeebies.”

Alexander snorted. “Are you for real?”

“On my life,” John said, raising a hand as if saying a pledge. “My father was a politician, I’d _know_.” 

“Run away quick,” Alexander said. “I’m going to be one of them.” 

John rolled his eyes, fond. “What’s your first order as president?”

“For Taco Bell to stop making the same food over and over again.”

“Hear, hear!” 

“They literally just take the same food item and then slap on some weird name or fold it in a different way.” There are things on this earth that make Alexander shut up and one of them is the way John laughs. Was he drunk? No. He’s had one bottle. Beer made him depressed, not drunk. “Should we go back?”

“Why were you even isolated here?” John asked. 

“The place was too loud and it smelled too much like watermelon vape and sweat,” Alexander shrugged. “My senses just overloaded.”

“Got you,” John said, winking. “Let’s regroup with them, I bet they think we’ve eloped.” 

“Bold of you to think that I would elope just by talking about that The Little Prince or Taco Bell. I don’t even know your favorite ice cream flavor.” 

John stood up, dusting himself. “What would be the fun of sharing everything in one night?” 

God help Alexander because he was already feeling a bit flustered. He stood up as well and checked behind him to see if he’s dropped something. “There’s plenty of fun with oversharing.” 

“Sure.” Laurens just shrugged and led the way back to the place. Their friends all stood in a wonky circle, Hercules had a lit cigarette in hand as he watched Lafayette trying not to get too shitfaced. It seems they were all well acquainted. The other John in the band was with the Schuylers, arm wrapped around Angelica’s waist, it seems that they were dating. 

“Alex!” Eliza said, grinning. She ran and tackled him into a big hug. “I haven’t seen you since...” 

Alexander blinked. “A month or so.” 

“That’s longer than our break up hiatus,” Eliza whined. Alexander bowed a little, taking her hand and kissing it. She gave him a blank look then snorted.

He rolled his eyes. “I take it we need to hang out more then.”

“Share him,” Angelica chided, walking into their space. “We’ve missed you Alexander.” Blond John stood beside her, face kind and honest. “This is my boyfriend John Church.” 

_Amen,_ Alexander refused to say. He extended his hand, smiling wide when John took it. “I hope you take no offense to me calling you Blond John.” 

“No problem,” Blond John said, lightly. “I get that a lot.” 

“So I see you’ve met John,” Eliza said. 

John shrugged. “He took my book.” 

“You’re welcome,” Alexander huffed, handing the book back to him. 

“He’s just as bad as you,” Lafayette said, suddenly popping in the conversation. 

John stuck his tongue out. “I take offense to that.” 

“Hey!” Alexander scowled in faux annoyance. “Me too. I’m not bad at all.” 

“Oh, please, one of the things you check in your social media line up is your email account,” Eliza deadpanned. 

“I—-” Alexander tried to find words but failed. “Fuck off.” 

Hercules handed him a bottle of beer. “Need some?” 

“Gladly,” he scoffed, grabbing it from Herc before chugging it. 

Eliza suddenly busted out some narrative about how she had joined this debate group but everything was shitty because her teammates were always choosing neutrality. He and Eliza had always had a shared peeve for neutrality. Angelica would butt in to point out some flaws whether it be in neutrality or Eliza’s blind rant. Peggy would cheer on. In the sidelines, Remi, Laurens, John, Hercules, and Lafayette were talking about something else. Remi had an arm hooked around an exasperated Laurens while Lafayette bounced between their group and Alexander and the Schuyler sisters’ group. 

He hadn’t realized how much he missed this sort of environment, how much he missed being around his friends and not having to worry about how many pages or how much time he’s wasting because he’s taking a minute to breathe. He especially missed Eliza.

They’ve broken up a year ago and, admittedly, sometimes it still hurts to see her. It’s weird that they bounced back to a friendship after a mere three weeks. Eliza said she was fine but Alexander just wasn’t fine, it took him six months before his chest stopped squeezing and now he loved her but not like before. He loved her differently. She was his best friend but he made sure to put a nice gap in between them for his own peace of mind.

John let out a big sigh. “Ah, Christ.” 

“I’m kidding, Jackie,” Remi grinned. 

John shoved him. “Do not call me that, Rem.” 

“Jackie?” Alexander found himself saying. It was odd. He didn’t know why he found it odd especially the intimacy that Remi radiated but John repelled. 

John stared, open mouthed and eyebrows knitted in confusion. Alexander could see red creeping upon his cheeks, obvious even through his slightly tanned complexion. “I’m...yes, Alex? I mean...don’t call me that too, Alexander.” 

Remi blinked at John and then Alexander, lips twitching. “I smell special treatment.” 

“Jealous, Rem?” John snorted. He ducked away from Remi’s arm before going towards Alexander. “Hey, listen, I have an early meeting tomorrow but I’d love to see you again sometime.” 

Alexander really could not help the upward curl of his lips. “I’d like that too.” 

“Here,” John said handing him the book again. “So that there’s a definite reason to see each other again.” 

Alexander took the book from John’s hands, careful and precise and nothing like how he picked it up hours ago. “Okay.” 

“I’ll see you around, Alex,” John said with a genuine spark of hope in his eyes. He winked at Alexander before he left, the rest rolling their eyes. “Bye, guys! I need to go!” 

The other John huffed. “He never says goodbye properly.”

Peggy sighed. “Rude.” 

Alexander ignored them and, instead, looked down at the book in his hands. There was a piece of paper stuck in between and he knew it wasn’t there before. He cracked the book open to where it was, curiosity peaking when he saw something written on it. 

 

_I like vanilla ice cream._

_Text me._

_Xxx-xxxx-xxx_

__


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently doing my college thesis right now lol wish me luck! I'm in a theatre major and I'm doing my thesis based on Hadestown. Would you believe it?

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Alexander forgot to check his god damn planner and now he’s late for a meeting. The people in the train had stared at him weirdly when he entered, all in a rush and dishevelled. He shot a quick text to his client that he would be a bit late, then he stared at his phone a bit longer, considering if he should contact the newly added number in it.

 

[To: Laurens]  
Good morning, hope your meeting is going well.

 

[From: Laurens]  
Choke me but not in a sexual way

 

[To: Laurens]  
I take it you’re doing well then

 

[From: Laurens]  
Why do meeting rooms have to be cold? It’s cold annnd it’s too early to think

 

[To: Laurens]  
I think Herc might have a conspiracy theory about that and yes you are sleepy, I can see that.

 

[From: Laurens]  
Wanna get some coffee later?

 

Alexander catches a glimpse of himself in the window of the train, scowling at how dead he actually looks.

[To: Laurens]  
Would love to

He stuffed his phone back in his pocket. This is his stop. He practically ran out of the station, spilled coffee cups and scowls be damned. He’s been waiting for a job for a while now especially since it’s going to be a little while before the results come in. He needed a distraction and a source of income that comes from some other place besides his blog.

Their meeting was at a publishing company office just a few blocks away from the station. It was a high rise building and normally he would be a bit dizzy due to the height of it but right now he really didn’t care, he just went for it without much thought. Alexander swore that the elevator ride to the tenth floor was the most excruciatingly slow endeavor he’d ever had to endure and that was saying something since he sat in one of Hercules’ conspiracy theory nights.

He took a deep breath before he knocked twice then entered.

“Mr. Hamilton, have a seat.”

Lim was a start up author in the industry and has recently been signed in the publishing company after being self-published for so long. He had hired Alexander as a guide for accuracy since Lim was writing about the American Revolution and Alexander had once had a ‘Revolution Month’ on his blog containing details and studies about it, Yorktown was his favorite.

The meeting was going great save for the occasional shiver that travelled back and forth on his spine. John was right about meeting rooms being cold as hell. Lim was shooting him a look which meant he was probably giving off how uncomfortable he truly was. He can’t mask this at all. His nipples could cut glass.

 

“Maybe you could email me a draft per chapter and a simple breakdown so I can oversee things easily and not cause a domino effect of revisions,” Alexander said.

Lim nodded. “Okay sure, I’ll send them over later in the afternoon.”

The meeting is going well. Alexander hung onto every word Lim would say, making sure to take note of it in his notepad. There are a majority of people who would take note on their phones, however, it felt a bit rude for him to do that and doing it the ‘old-fashioned’ way wouldn’t hurt anyone (well, except the environment but his notebook was 100% recycled according to the label).

He could tell that maybe this book won’t be his ticket to a comfortable life but it makes him feel interested and passionate about something and it’s easy to fall in love with seeing as it reflects history. In this economy, he’s just thankful that opportunities still come his way.

“I’m actually interested in illustrations,” Lim said. “I think it would garner more interest that way.”

Alexander frowned. “But I’m not...”

“I know. It’s perfectly fine, I don’t expect you to execute it,” the other man said, smiling. “I was wondering if you knew any possible graphic designers.”

And it’s in his own selfishness does he find the answer. “I do. I’m meeting him later maybe I can give him your email so that he can send you his online portfolio?”

“That would be great.”

The meeting ended after an hour and a half of back and forth discussion and by then John was still stuck in his meeting, claiming that one was running late. John texted him the building he was in and, luckily, it was near the area so Alexander had no trouble with finding it.

[To: Laurens]  
I’m in the lobby

[From: Laurens]  
I wish you just waited in the coffee shop

[To: Laurens]  
You’re good. I don’t have anything to do anyway

[From: Laurens]  
Still  
Oh the dude is here  
Catch you in a bit

Alexander ended up delving into several arguments online to pass the time. He was bored so he just decided to look at the comments section of different news articles. He can’t believe that people just made it so easy to argue against them or maybe people were just _that_ out of touch with humanity itself and, thus, blinded.

“Alex.”

Alex looked up, ironing down his scowl that was meant for a troll online. “Hey, John.”

“I’m sorry I took long,” he said, scratching the back of his head. “I wish you just went ahead to the coffee shop.”

Alexander shrugged, standing up. “At least this way I get to be with your a few minutes earlier than if I were to wait in a coffee shop, right?”

John looked a bit surprised. “I...right. Right. Shall we?”

“We shall.” John opened the door for him quietly and Alexander wondered if he did this for everyone. “How was your meeting?”

“Went well,” John replied, falling into step beside him. “Nipples could do without the cold though, you know what I mean?”

“Do I ever,” he scowled, remembering the chill of the meeting room Lim had reserved. “You were right about meeting rooms being cold.”

“I’ll make a conspiracy theory about it and I’ll ask Herc for some help.”

“I don’t pray but I feel like I should.”

John coughed. “It’s gonna be great.”

“I don’t doubt it?” Alexander said, not meaning for it to sound like a question.

“So you were are at a meeting?”

“Ah, yeah. There’s this newly signed writer in a publishing company. He wants to write a story set in the times of the American Revolution and I have a knack for history so I’m there to oversee some inaccuracies. He actually wants someone to illustrate for him and I was wondering if you were up for it.”

“Really?” John looked unsure. “Isn’t that kind of a big thing?”

Alexander shrugged. “It’s not going to make me rich but, hey, I think it’ll be fun and why not, right?”

“Yeah...why not,” John said. “Sure just email me his contact details.”

“Awesome,” he beamed. “I get to work with you.”

“I need all the work I can get. I do not wish to be the epitome of the ‘starving artist’ trope.”

“You’re already working multiple jobs, aren’t you?”

John shrugged. “I don’t want to slack off.”

“Does that previous trope apply to everyone or just you?” Alexander asked. “And...where are we going?”

John clapped three times. “Dora’s house.”

“The fuck.”

“I know a place fifteen minutes away from here,” John said. “I found it when I was lurking around.”

“You sound sketchy.”

“I do not, Alex.”

“I’m so excited about this project with Lim,” Alex said, bursting out a bit. He had a weird habit of sometimes processing stuff late and, therefore, getting a delayed reaction. “I’ve been waiting for a job for a while now and my blog is doing well on its own, I’m finally allowing my editors to...edit...instead of me just being a one man show like how I’m used to but more content means more time and more people and more headaches. I accepted this job because it’s a different field as compared to writing and it’s another one of my passions. I really liked studying the American revolution, you know? I like reading about war times even in asian countries like the Philippines. The parallels of each and every country is just—-” He blinked. “I’m rambling. Sorry.”

Laurens had a big grin on his face, toothy and fond. “Go on, don’t leave me hanging.”

“I...well...it’s just wonderful since everything repeats for the most part and everyone was just learning or copying from each other. Apparently, in Sociology, everything just repeats a familiar pattern because that’s how humans are built for the most part. Everyone likes this feeling of familiarity be it they notice or not.”

“What do you usually write about in your blogs?”

Alexander tapped his chin, thoughtful. “It’s an amalgamation of a lot of things but I mostly write about politics or history, anything in that genre even if it’s about another country or not. I recently allowed myself to branch out so as to cater to everyone but still not lost the identity of my blog. It’s not even a blog, it seems like a weird news article shindig now. There’s politics and history that I provide, there’s lifestyle, and travel.”

“I assume that the travel is alright with being that you’re an immigrant.”

“ _Exactly._ ”

“I wanna see your blog.”

“Oh...um.” He deflated. He’s confident about his works sure but personally showing it to someone who he’s actually trying to impress is another thing. He’d have been okay if the thing he was building with John was platonic but seeing as John looked at him so differently means that it’s anything but platonic.

“Aw come on, Ham,” John grinned. “We can’t all be Christine Daaé.”

“Oh, that’s _foul_ ,” Alexander laughed. “I’d have shot someone if I were Meg right now.”

“Ah so you’ve watched the fanfic version of Phantom then,” John chuckled. “Good, good.”

“In terms of Production Design and the songs, I like it,” Alexander said. “But the overall plot of it just presents a loophole because it’s cooperative with the book but then again so is the original Phantom. I should have strong feelings about this like with everything else but I just...kinda like it.”

“The whole fandom will literally bash you, Lex.”

He shrugged instead of giving a proper response.

“So show me your blog then before you change the topic.”

“You might have heard of it.” Alex can feel himself blush and he despises it so much. “It’s La Solidaridad.”

Alex yelped when John grabbed his shoulder, eyes wide and mouth open. “Oh my god. What?”

“Yeah.”

“What in the fucking rootin tootin.”

“Did you just say rootin tootin?”

“Shush. I do know your blog because I’ve been following it for years. I’ve always wondered how the creator of it hasn’t been targeted by the government yet. Alex, you wrote a twenty paged essay as to why Donald Trump was a bad candidate and I read every word of it.” Who was Alex to deny to himself that he found John’s starry eyed expression so cute.

“When are we arriving at that coffee sho—-oh is this it?”

“Yep,” he said, popping the ‘p’ in the end.

“Hi, John,” a sweet voice said once they had entered.

“Hey, Raya, how are ya?” The girl, Raya, was one of the baristas in the counter, she had dark curly hair and red lipstick that suited her well.

“Good,” she replied. “I’m glad to see you here again.”

“Been a while,” he replied. “I’ll have a double drip coffee and my friend will have...?”

“Is a triple drip possible?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well that put some sparkle in your eyes,” John laughed, handing over his card to Raya.

“I could have paid,” he scoffed.

“I’m not denying you that,” the other man replied

Raya gave him back the card. “I’ll serve it to your tables in a while!”

“Thanks, Raya,” John said.

The coffee shop was pretty small but cute, something hipsters would flock to but there wasn’t that many people right now. Alexander unknowingly led the way to a booth in the corner, opting to go for his back towards the wall. He always felt safer like that. He didn’t expect for John to slide in next to him but the warmth felt nice.

Alexander wasn’t exactly the jealous type but he didn’t know his stance with John Laurens either, he’s had so many dates that turned platonic and, at this point, he’s very good at maintaining platonic relationships but not knowing where they stood or what exactly was happening had ‘unnecessary stress’ written all over it.

“Well, my attention is all yours.”

Alex just sort of blinked and said “Ouroboros is a snake that ate itself.”

John wasn’t looking at him, he was looking at his hands on the table so it was hard to read his reaction. “Oh yeah I remember that guy, isn’t he one of the symbols in Egypt? All religions have circles in them actually like the halo or the Dharmachakra.”

Alexander wondered how he’s never met this guy before. “I’m bi.”

“That’s cool, thank you for telling me,” John nodded. “Hey, what kinda shows do you watch?”

It’s almost laughable how he was just vomiting shit to say because he couldn’t think of _what the hell to say_. “The news.”

“Aw, come on.”

“Well, I don’t know, Friends is kinda white washed and cold towards LGBTQ+ so I guess Steven Universe or Scream or—-”

“Do not fucking say Riverdale.”

“I am not _that_ bland.”

“Oh my god the script.”

“I know!”

“Thirteen Reasons Why is an abomination as well.”

“I fucking know right and they think it’s doing a favor for people with mental disabilities.” Raya swung by their table with their respectful orders, a smile on her face as if it never leaves. “Ah, finally.”

“I’m excited to work with you,” John said after taking a satisfying sip of his coffee. “I didn’t know it could end up like this.”

Alex nodded. “It’s a nice coincidence. It’s weird we’ve had mutual friends but we’ve never met? How’d you meet the Schuylers?”

“I first met Peggy during a street performance,” he said. “I was bored at home so I decided to just set up down by one of the stations. I played a Queen song and she joined in and sang. She mistook me for like a homeless guy but I get that. I gave the money I got to an actual homeless guy though. Anyway, we started talking and another coincidence is she lived in the same apartment complex as me.”

“The world is truly so small.”

“How about you?”

“Well, I first met Angelica and Eliza during high school,” Alex said. “Eliza and I actually used to date.”

John whistled. “How’d that go?”

“It was great actually.” He wasn’t lying. Eliza was the love of his life. “But things change and it’s not fair to force things, you know? We broke it off mutually. Hmm, are you the jealous type?”

The other man raised a brow at him. “Would you give me reason to be?”

“Not intentionally,” he shrugged. “I don’t bode well with people who are constricting.”

“Who does?”

“Point.”

“Let’s just see where this goes.”

That line in itself is already a red flag, Alexander knows this but he’s also good at reading people and John just didn’t seem the type to say one thing but mean the other. “That’s such an asshole line.”

John laughed, corners of his eyes pinched in such a way that Alexander’s brain hyper focuses on it for a second or two. “I’m sorry, I kinda hear it now. I just don’t want to scare you but I already like you.”

“That’s quick.”

“It’s not a commitment, Alex. I just mean that I like you as a person and I’m not saying that ‘cause you’re a manic pixie dream girl or something.”

“I don’t have the hair for it.”

“Ah, what a miss.” John paused, frowning. “Can I give you a disclaimer?”

“Sure. Are you trying to chase me away?”

“What? No. I just think you should know that I’m really bad at this emotions thing and I’m also bad at words. It takes a lot of my energy to just be sitting here and stating what I just previously said but I want to just make things clear.”

“Well, as long as you communicate with me...isn’t that the key to most relationships?”

“Alex, I really wouldn’t know because I’ve never been in one.”

“Oh.” A back take. “So are we seeing other people?”

“You can if you want to, Lex, I’ll respect that. I can only handle one person at a time though.”

Alexander didn’t really have plans to date around even though he knows he can probably date someone alongside John. It just doesn’t feel right this time and he has less energy and less enthusiasm with dating around now because the past dates he’s had after Eliza were just too quick and he realized it late when he found out that he just forced the attraction with them. He didn’t want that mistake and, besides, he really likes John. “How is this opening up boding for you?”

The corner of John’s lip quirks up. “It’s triggering my fight or flight.”

Alexander shrugged, leaning back with their shoulders touching. “If it’s all the same to you, I might just see where it goes with you.”

John merely hummed in response.

* * *

“You’re on your phone more,” Eliza said, taking an innocent sip of her matcha latte. It was Sunday and Alexander and Eliza had agreed to go out for lunch and coffee. It was rare to spend time with her and that was mostly Alex’s fault for having tunnel vision and only seeing his work. He wasn’t proud to admit that he was reluctant to even go out with Eliza ‘cause he wanted to write an idea that had just recently popped in his head.

Alexander’s eyes went from his phone to Eliza, smiling sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

She propped her chin on hands, a habit that Alexander could replay in his head over and over again with how long they’ve dated before. “Is it work?”

“Nah,” he said. He had been active with texting because of John, it was interesting to talk to him especially since he could keep up with his haywired topic change without so much as a complaint. He has to admit though that John was nowhere near as gentle when in text because he just texts like a robot and like he’s angry all the time which Alexander understands because, hey, it’s just texting.

“Ah.”

“How’s the center?”

She absolutely beamed. “The kids are just so wonderful. They kinda remind me of you but their energy is from within and not because they poured a can of energy drink in their double drip coffee.”

“Funny,” he says, rolling his eyes. Eliza worked part time at a kid’s center wherein she took care of kids and occasionally teaches them basic math or basic english. There was a time that Alexander would visit and read for them but he had to stop because of school.

“Some of them miss you,” she said. “Would you like to come visit sometime?”

“Oh, sure,” he said, mind already thinking up of different stories he could. “We could even make a day out of it?”

“Whatcha mean?”

“Pegs could perform some songs for them and I could read to them to ease them down by the end of it.”

“Oh and games?”

“With prizes.”

“Yes that sounds like a great idea. I’ll pitch it with Martha when I come in tomorrow.” She seemed like she wanted to reach for her phone and text Martha ( _Washington_ ) right away but that would be rude since it was a Sunday.

“How are you and—-”

“Broke up.”

“Ah.”

She stared at him for a second, unreadable. “And you...have you been...?”

He can’t say ‘no’ because there’s John and it’s really a grey area but the interest is there and he isn’t really capable of dating two people at the same time at the moment. “I think so?”

“That’s specific.”

“It’s the usual getting to know each other stage,” he shrugged. “It’s not like I’m proposing.”

“I thought you didn’t want to get married?”

And, oh, this was getting a bit too serious. “I’m not entirely sure about everything anymore.”

Her shoulders sagged a bit, eyes going to her hands. “You know what?”

“What?”

“Same.” Alexander snorted out a laugh while she smiled and did a pseudo-laugh wherein she just blew air out of her nose. “It’s nice to spend time with you like this, Lex.”

“Been a while, hasn’t it?”

“A long while.”

“I didn’t even know Peggy was in a band.”

“Okay, so...” She launched into the story, starry eyed and proud. It was one of the things Alex liked about her, she was passionate with everything she did even though it was just simply talking about her day. She was nice to be around with and it set him at ease.

So there he sat, listening to her talk about how Peggy made this big joke of a song while Blond John was testing a guitar. She compared it to that scene in Enchanted where Giselle just randomly busted out a song and everyone just joined it but like a version that was less drug induced.

This was nice, he thought.

He can look at Eliza in the eye now and he can’t wait to check his phone for a new text.

* * *

“Alex,” John said for the third time, brows coming together in frustration.

Eliza shook her head. “No use, Johnny boy, he’s too far gone in whatever he’s doing.”

“I didn’t think you guys were serious when you told me he’d hyper focus like this,” he groaned, leaning back as he watched Alexander typing away on his laptop. They were trying to come up with a new song or at least a riff in Peggy’s apartment and Alex decided to join for the company while he worked which John thought was useless if he was going to just isolate himself from others.

“Fatally serious,” Angelica hummed. “It once took both Eliza and I for him to relax for a bit.”

Lafayette snorted. “Sounds sexual.”

“Who invited the french,” Angelica said, teasing.

“The war against the Brits,” John said idly.

“Incorrect but acceptable,” Lafayette huffed.

Peggy was in the corner of the room humming to herself with Remi hunched over and sat in front of her. They were both trying to work on a bass-centric piece, inspired by Queen for the most part. The hard thing about getting inspiration from random pieces of art is adding your own flavor to it without losing everything completely. John loved seeing Peggy working on music, it seemed to be a whole side of her that was just really different as compared to normal Peggy who was like an escapee terror child.

John’s head fell back on the backrest of the couch then lolled to the side. “Jesus. I’m hungry.”

“Pizza?”

“Oily.” He paused. He was actually hungry but didn’t want the hassle of calling for a pizza delivery or ordering it online. It’s the epitome of lazy in this day and age but he is not going to say it out loud. “But not that hungry.”

“There’s some apples in the fridge,” Eliza said

He shrugged then got up. “That’ll do then. Alex, have you eaten?”

Silence.

“He hasn’t,” Eliza replied for Alex, not even looking up from her phone.

John disappeared in the kitchen, knowing exactly where the tools were. He hummed silently as he filled two bowls with completely sliced and peeled apples. When he reappeared in the room, Alexander, to no surprise, had not even moved or relinquished focus.

He sighed a bit, finding it both endearing and worrisome. He knew Alexander for two weeks now and he’s just getting accustomed to his habits and attitude as compared to the rest of his friends who don’t seem to bat an eye when he does the usual things. He sets the bowl down next to Alex, same hand going through Alex’s dark hair. “Eat.”

Eliza coughed. “No use, Jo—-”

Alexander paused his typing, took a piece of apple and resumed. John smiled, squeezing the other man’s shoulder as a silent appreciation. Eliza’s face morphed into something he missed by a few seconds because suddenly she’s now just confused.

“John, what do you think of this,” Alexander said, voice sounding a bit croaky. Alex absentmindedly took another apple slice and if John could purr then he would.

“Of what?” He asked, leaning and bracing himself on the desk.

“I’m sending an email about the revisions for Lim’s book,” Alex explained.

“Already?” John said, surprised. He squints and leans closer to the screen, gently scrolling through to check for pages. “Alex, he might become overwhelmed with your ten page writing piece. I’d suggest you shorten it since he seems to be a pretty easy-to-overwhelm guy.”

Alexander leaned back on his chair, a pout on his face. “But it’s more precise this way.”

“Whatever you think is best, Alexander, I’m just the artistic side of this whole thing.”

“No, yeah, I think you might be right,” Alexander sighed. “Thanks.”

Then Alex is gone again. John rolls his eyes and proceeds to sink back into the couch. He suddenly realized Angelica was eyeing him. “Yeah. I don’t know.”

“You’re working together?” Angelica asked.

He hummed. “Yeah, I’m just the artistic side while Alex is the research and mild editing...but only because he insisted on editing. He’s not supposed to actually do that.”

“It’s Alex,” Lafayette said, bored. “He’ll do what he wants.”

“Obviously,” Laurens sighed, eyeing Alex when the man ate his third bite. “At least he’s eating now.”

“Hey, wanna talk about our feelings?” Eliza asked.

John coughed. “God. No.”

Lafayette laughed. “Don’t make Laurens talk about his feelings, he’ll combust.”

“Sounds unhealthy,” Angelica said.

“Yeah, bottling it all up isn’t healthy, John.” Eliza’s face then tilted as if she was intent on pushing this through. “You know you can talk to us, right?”

“I did not sign up for a psych eval,” he scoffed. “Nevermind that, anyone got a song idea we can milk?”

“I dislike that usage of milk,” Lafayette said.

“What do we all have in common?” Eliza asked.

“Complicated love situations?”

“Issues with our parental figures?”

“Quarter life crisis?”

“The inability to cope properly?”

“Self-isolation.”

“The fear of death.”

“The never ending feeling of never being good enough and being able to only see other people’s worth and not your own.” Everyone eyed John, giving him a pointed look.

Angelica cocked a brow. “You sure you don’t need that psych eval?”

“At this point, I think we all need it,” Lafayette sighed. “Oh dear.”

“End the stigma against therapy,” Eliza said. “We should all get checked.”

“I have no money for that,” John said.

Lafayette gave him an unimpressed look. “And I suppose you have money for all that art supplies you don’t use.”

“Yo is it shit-on-John’s-low-emotional-maturity day?” He asked, exasperated. “I’m quitting the band.”

“What a shame,” Alexander suddenly said. They didn’t even know he was listening.

“I’m ordering some pizza,” Angelica said, standing up. She turns to give John a sharp look. “The meat lover’s pizza.”

John gave her a blank look in retaliation then followed her. “I’m back in the band.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm notorious for leaving things hanging when I don't know what to do with them but I'm actually enjoying this fic because I feel inspired.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is self-indulgent because the past two weeks have really been just killing me.

Loud again.

He doesn’t exactly know why Lafayette likes to drink so much (“It makes me happy”) and Hercules who just enables things to happen as long as his cigarettes were mint flavored. But, hey, it was nice to be with them and Alexander isn’t afraid to admit that some vodka every once in a while tastes and feels great because, well, god damn.

Today, it was actually Blond John’s birthday so it was a formidable excuse for celebration (Lafayette argues that any reason is a good reason to party and that’s why there are funerals). Blond John had took it upon himself to rent out an airbnb for them and his own friends. Everyone was here, the Schuylers, Hercules, Lafayette, and John except they were just kind of spread apart as of the moment to retrieve their own drinks or just in their own world.

“How’s draping?” Alexander asked as he poured himself another glass of vodka.

Herc shrugged. “It’s still nothing interesting except for the fact that my partner keeps arguing that we should piss on the white cloth because ‘do as the old timers did it’ or some shit like that.”

“Are you serious right now?” Alex laughed.

“I cannot make this shit up, Hamilton,” he replied. “It’s not like a story of pissing on cloth will get me the attention I want.”

“I don’t know, man. Have you ever heard of Omorashi?”

Herc stayed silent.

“Oh, so you have.”

“Have you not met Lafayette? I learn kinks I never knew existed.”

“So, basically—-”

“Oh my god I’m going to tear this dude apart.”

“—-it’s like a kink for people with a full bladder or wetting themselves. I don’t really know why it exists but I kind of get it in the context of BDSM and treating like your sub as if they were your pet and—-”

Herc looked a freeze dried grape, he seemed to look just past Alex’s shoulder. “Why am I having this conversation with you.”

“—- maybe it’s better if I delve deeper into Japanese culture to further understand it ‘cause the word in itself is of Japanese origin meaning ‘to pee’ or to ‘wet oneself’ so I finish it here thank you for coming to my TED talk.”

“And is the TED talk about a pee kink?” A new voice asked, a concealed laugh behind it.

Herc scowled. “Laurens, you stood there listening to it as if it were an interesting take of the 9 o’clock news. Christ.”

“Hi, John,” Alex grinned, turning to him then turning back to Hercules. “And, you know what, I listen to your conspiracy theories. You have to at least stand one of my monologues.”

“Not. About. Piss. Kinks.”

“You brought it up.”

“I give up. Laurens?”

Laurens a slow shrug. “We can even test it out if you want, Alexander.”

Alex repositioned himself so they were standing in a triangle. “I’m not the one cleaning it up if it happens.”

John winked at him then focused on Herc. “Yo, Mulligan, there’s a new conspiracy on fake deeps. Have you heard?”

Hercules’ eyes had a glint. “You know it. I saw the one of Ariana Grande the other day it’s fucking crazy. Dude. There is some fucked up shit going on and I feel like we’re just going towards human extinction at this point.”

“How long before new laws are established about it,” Laurens said.

Alexander stood there and observed John, the way he held himself and the way he held his drink. This was odd to have someone you were dating getting along well with a friend because it’s never happened before. When he dated Eliza there were a few bumps but it just ended up as co-existence then accepting each other’s presence. It wasn’t because there was something wrong but because Eliza was just not the type to mingle and hold a long conversation or a conversation about a topic that someone particularly takes interest in and she had only a few opinions on. It was stiff and Alexander just longed for a big family.

“Who knows but it’s only a matter of time before someone plasters Donald Trump’s face all over Pornhub or some shit.

“Could you imagine,” John laughed.

“Are you hiding out with the big boys since you’re here?” Hercules asked.

John snorted. “A girl asked for my birthday and time of birth.”

Alexander laughed. “She was asking for your natal chart then?”

“My fucking what?”

“It’s a zodiac astrology thing,” Hercules said. “So...?”

‘What?”

“When’s your birthday?”

“October 28.”

Hercules rolled his eyes. “A Scorpio then? God. I hate Scorpios...but not as much as I hate Cancers.”

“You were Valentines’ sex,” Alex said, his tone sounding like he had just made a huge discovery.

John’s nose scrunched up. “You know...I’m not drunk enough for this shit.”

“For what?”

“To discuss that I’m a product of a failing marriage which had been tried to be fucked alive on a day made by capitalism.” John took a sharp gulp of the drink in his hand.

Hercules looked at Alexander with a pointed look and Alexander hated how he knew just what Hercules meant with that look. “Shut up, Herc.”

“I didn’t say anything, dude.”

“What is happening?” John asked.

“You’re exactly what I look for in a man.”

“Problematic and drunk?”

He shook his head. “Perfect and argumentative.”

John inhaled. “K.”

“Yo, Jonathan Laurens,” Peggy said, appearing out of nowhere. “I knew I’d find you near Ham.”

 

Alex hid his face behind his glass but John blinked, unfazed. “What do you need, Tequila Schuyler?”

“Oooooh you’re good,” she slurred. “Let’s do a set.”

“Which song?”

“The new one.”

“It’s not even done yet,” John said, setting his drink down. He was already stretching his fingers. 1 and then 2 and then 3.

“Fuck it,” she says, looking starry-eyed. “Just riff it.”

“I’m not that good, Pegs,” he says, following her to where they would perform with Alexander floating behind content to follow where he went.

“I’m not convinced, John Laurens,” Peggy said, flippant.

Alex watched John grab the guitar, familiar and grounded. It’s as if a lover holding their partner years later after being together for a time, new all the time but aged like wine. Alexander thinks that maybe this is what he looks like when he holds a pen in between his fingers as if it were an old friend visiting him again.

“Hey, Alex,” Eliza said, linking their arms together. “You excited to watch Peggy and John?”

“Yes,” he breathes, embarrassed that seeing John tie his hair made him react in a weird fluttery way.

“Just like old times, eh?” Peggy said as she tapped the mic.

John snorted. “We performed on the streets _twice_.”

“So?” Peggy grinned.

“Just like old times,” John repeated with a small smile playing on his lips. He checked if the guitar was tune, tongue sticking out as he did so. It was almost intimate.

“Hey, John,” Alexander called out. He feels like he might look dumb with how goofy his smile probably was.

John looked up, confused then smiling. “This will only be a sec sorry.”

“We have all the time to talk,” Alexander shrugged. “Just wanted to say that you look great.”

John’s face was pinched, it was almost funnily constipated. He looks down. “K.”

“You and John?” Eliza asked.

Alex jumped, forgetting she was there. “I guess so. It’s been just a few weeks though.”

“Oh that sounds fun.” Eliza looked from John to Alex, wondering when this had transpired and how oblivious she was.

Hercules appeared beside her, smelling of cigarettes. “They’re disgusting now so how much more when they actually get together.”

She laughed slightly. “Not sure, John isn’t the sweet type.”

“Doubt it, Schuyler, look.”

Eliza looks and almost misses it. John always had the habit of putting stickers on his guitar to make it more personal to him and it was cute in a hideous way or so Angelica thought but it suited his personality to always claim things and make it more personal to him. He stopped adding because he thought his guitar was perfect already and he was saving up for a new one but there on the body near the lower bout was a sticker of ‘La Solidaridad’.

“So he’s a fan,” Eliza grinned.

“You could say that.”

“Look, Lex,” Eliza said. “He has your sticker on his guitar.”

“Yeah we went out for coffee the other day and I had an extra one on me,” Alexander said. “I thought he’d just keep it somewhere random but...”

“Go, Pegs,” Eliza cheered lightheartedly. She unhooked her arm from Alex throwing an ‘I need a drink’ before she strutted away.

“Is it weird that I feel like I have butterflies right now?” Alexander blurted out. “Fuck, Herc, he’s so god damn cute.”

John looked at him in that exact moment and winked at him. This is how Alex knew that he sure as hell won’t be coming home alone tonight. He won’t even allow it. Herc seemed to read this and rolled his eyes. “Whatever floats your boat, Ham. It’s been a while, right?”

“Yeah,” Alexander said. “You could say that.”

John was right about the song being new and unpolished, but he hid his slip ups well through a poker face or he just simply laughed along with Peggy carelessly. It came to a point where Peggy was just at a loss, it seemed as if the lyrics ended there. John shook his head, shooting her a look of ‘I told you so’ but...

But, oh god.

He bit his lip and did a lick on his guitar, turning it into a catchy riff. It’s amazing how he put his body into it, everything he had and everything that he was. Alex is briefly reminded of Roger from RENT but, hopefully, without the STD and the god forbidden slow burn.

Fuck.

Fuck the column of his neck.

 

“Alex, I don’t want to see you jack off in the middle of the crowded room,” Herc scoffed.

“I do not know what you are talking about.”

The song ended quickly and John was able to put down his guitar and stay by Alexander’s side for the rest of the night. They had actually stepped outside, quietly relishing in their own little world with glasses of water instead of alcohol in their hands. The city lights were beautiful even though John argued that the stars in South Carolina were prettier than this.

Their feet were submerged in the pool. It was too cold for anyone to dare take a swim so it was just John and Alexander with a few scattered people here and there having their own hushed conversations. Alex thought that it was nice to have a hand to hold and to have John explain musical terms to him, nice to hear from a different mind but a great mind nevertheless.

It was nice to be like this, to have the water reflect on the both of them and to have the color blue dance around them like fairies alight. It was nice, the way John’s eyes moved and it was the first time Alexander ever wondered what he thought of water, knowing that the other man probably had a different take on it and everything else.

The warmth.

The cold.

It was nice.

“I didn’t know you stuck my sticker on your guitar,” Alexander smiled, leaning into John.

John didn’t move away nor did he press into him. “It’s a cute sticker.”

“I think it’s sweet.” Then they remained quiet for a moment.

“What are you thinking of, Alexander? Awhile ago you were talking about a damn peeing kink.”

And he wants to tell the truth except that they haven’t crossed this certain line yet and he was wondering if it was too fast and too easy to ruin but this felt easy when it shouldn’t be. It felt right when nothing aided him to feel like that at all. John still had metaphorical walls and Alexander does too but maybe that’s just another problem that will unfold later on, something they could be ready for later.

“I really want to kiss you.”

“Ah and don’t our thoughts always align?”

John’s lips were chapped probably because he bit it all the time and refused to admit that the weather was cold. It was okay, he didn’t care. He’s more happy about the fact that John kissed so softly, almost like he was a very touchy person (he’s not). He tasted, oddly enough, like marmalade with a hint of alcohol. Alexander never liked marmalade because it was kind of bitter but this was sweet and oh he wants it.

They pulled away for air, forehead and nose still touching.

“John, you need to moisturize.”

 

 

 

Alexander considers himself to be a fast paced man, judging by the sheer amount of blog posts he did on the daily basis. His mind was just this set of wires that sent signals from point to point at top speed without so much as a breather and he’s fine with that. He considers it as one of his strong points already because what else would it be besides that, right?

His relationships were just as fast paced. He feels as if Lafayette has been in his life for at least a decade now, almost like a brother to him, even though they’ve met four years ago and were almost close to inseparable ever since. Yes, he really does like being fast paced.

That being said, it was a nice Wednesday...well, he doesn’t actually know what time frame he’s in but it’s a nice Wednesday and there John was sat up beside him on his bed with only the blanket to cover him from the chill. He had his tablet propped up on his stomach as he tapped the pen on his lips, deep in thought.

“I’m pretty sure it’s the first time I’ve bored someone into working after a night of that,” Alexander said, voice tinged with sleep. He sat up slowly, a feeling of pulsing behind his left eye to signify a migraine. “Jesus.”

John snorted. “Your insecurity is showing.”

Alex huffed, pressing his face against John’s shoulder. “So is your dick but you don’t see me commenting on that.”

John let out a surprised laugh.

“Ow.”

“What’s wrong? We didn’t even drink that much last night.”

“I just haven’t slept in a while. What time is it?”

“It’s 5AM,” John said. “Go back to sleep.”

“It’s so god damn early, Laurens,” Alexander groaned, sinking back to a prone position. “Do early birds really get the worm?”

“I mean, don’t they just get fed by a lovely old lady whose eyes open at the ass crack of dawn.”

“Ugh,” he groaned. “You’re totally right.”

“I have advil and water in my bag so would you—-”

“Please can I have some.”

“I like it when you beg.”

Alexander rolled his eyes. “I’d sooner die than beg just choke me next time and we’ll at least have some sort of relief.”

John laughed as he leaned over the other side of the bed to fish the advil and the water from his bag. “Sounds good to me but you’re going to be useless to the world with that starting migraine of yours.”

“Thanks, my boo.”

“Oh my god what did you just say?”

“ _My boo._ ”

“Nope...no okay absolutely not. I won’t give you life saving grace if you don’t take it back.”

Alex let out a childish whine. “I take it back.”

John handed him the advil and the water bottle with a faux glare then proceeded to pay attention to his tablet. “Sorry if I woke you up.”

Alexander shook his head, setting the bottle down somewhere. “You didn’t but is there something wrong? You can’t sleep?”

“I have trouble sleeping a lot even if I’m really tired” John shrugged.

“Too much coffee?”

“Hmm maybe?”

They stay silent for a while, John making ‘ticking’ noises due to using his tablet and Alex leaning in an odd angle trying to will the pulsing pain away. He forgot how bad it could be to just subject himself to annoying pain of a migraine but it’s what he does and will continue to do so for as long as he forgets how to function normally.

It takes a good ten minutes before Alex can peep at what John was doing, the bright light was horrendous but now that his head wasn’t screaming (it was maybe whispering instead), he was able to lean over John’s space and see. He’s pleasantly surprised to see that he was drawing a turtle.

“What a cute turtle.”

A snort. “Really? Is that all you see.”

Alex blinked, confused. It soon dawns on him that the turtle was on top of a head of the boy and that boy looked like Alex looking down on his laptop. “What a cute me.”

“Hmm.”

“I can’t believe I’m the muse of an artist,” Alex said, teasing. “I feel so warm inside.”

John rolled his eyes. “Don’t get too carried away now, this isn’t some chic flick and you’re not Ramona Flowers.”

“Read the mood, Laurens.”

“Would you prefer I paint your aura?”

“What are you now? A soft boy?”

“Aw come on, I really do care that’s why I bedded you.”

“Bedded? We’re not some 50s vintage icon.”

“I’ll scream to bring back your migraine.”

“Do it.”

“Ah.”

“You’re such a shit.”

“Hey I’ve been minding my own business for god knows how long ‘til you woke up.”

Alexander coughed, not knowing how many time he’s rolled his eyes in John’s presence at all. “But thanks for drawing me, I really am flattered by it.”

“S’nothing, Lex.”

“Well, it’s not nothing to me so please give me a copy of that. It’s cute and I want to look at it whenever I can.”

“K.” It seemed like such a cold reply and it made Alexander’s chest sink a bit because he’s been replying like that since last night and he’s beginning to think that John might not be that into him at all but then he looked at John and _oh_ he was red in the ears and had this bitten look on his face as if he was trying to stop himself from something.

John Laurens was blushing.

“You’re blushing,” Alex said, smiling so wide his cheeks hurt. “It’s so cute!”

“Fuck off,” John scowled, blushing harder.

“Oh my god I want to take a picture a commemorate this.”

“No!” John whined, switching off his tablet and rolling so that his face was buried in the pillow.

“You’re such a fucking loser,” Alexander laughed, forcefully clinging onto John’s body. “So cute.”

“Get off, Hamilton,” he says, not even making a move to shove him off even though they both knew that he could just simply do it.

Then, Alexander remembers something. “ _Jack._ ”

John inhales and stiffens. Alexander was about to apologize but then he saw the tips of John’s ears turn even more red. “Don’t call me that, it’s weird.”

“Okay,” Alex said, smiling. He leaned down and kissed the nape of John’s neck. He rolls so he’s lying down on his side with his back to John. He might be a flirt but damn was it too fucking early for shit like this.

John shifted from beside him, Alex could hear the soft thud of the tablet as it was placed down on the carpeted floor before there was more movement of sheets. The other man’s arms went around his waist, warm and secure. Alexander had quickly melted into it.

“Hey do you think...”

“Yes I do, John.” He paused. “What is it.”

“That that was too fast?”

“I’m maybe the wrong person to ask. I don’t think I’m ever one to slow down. Why? Do you think it was?”

“It feels okay.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean.”

“Like I don’t feel bad.”

“...really.”

“I’m bad at words, asshole.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page then.”

“My being bad at words?”

“That there are no regrets, dumb nut.”

“Ah.”

“Are you going to sleep?” Alex asked.

John kissed the top of his head before resting his chin on top of it. “Maybe. I’ll close my eyes and hope for the best.”

“Hmmkay,” he hummed. “See you later.”

The next time that they properly woke up was at two in the afternoon and normally Alexander would drop dead at waking up at such a time but he honestly had nothing to do and he’s written up a storm two nights ago so he’s left empty handed and damn did he just want his law results to finally come in. The complaint was lost a minute later though when he sees sunlight play on John’s unruly curls. It was amazing how beautiful he looked despite the drool and eyebrows that just chose to knit together.

“Are you awake?” Alexander asked, booping John on the nose.

John opened his eyes slowly, residue of sleep in the corner of his eyes. “Am I ever asleep?”

Alexander wiped the golden dust off, smiling slightly. “I mean this crusty mess wouldn’t happen if you didn’t fall asleep.”

“Hardly,” he scoffed. “But you had a good sleep and the bags under your eyes look better.”

“Well, you know what they say about self care,” Alex joked.

 

“The bigger the care, the bigger the dick?”

“Yup.”

“I’m hungry.”

“I’m not much of a cook so cereals or egg or spam?” John gave him a look. “Do not judge my spam, Laurens.”

“I’m not judging your spam but I am judging your cooking skills,” he said. “You live alone.”

“I don’t usually eat,” he shrugged. “Eliza used to come by and bake me cookies.”

“What an utter saint,” John said. “What else you got in your kitchen? I can make you something.”

“I don’t know, dear.” Alexander had stood up, body and soul protesting, and slipped on his sad underwear that had been laying on the floor. “I think Lafayette gave me some vegetables for some reason.”

John had mimicked him in getting at least half dressed. Alexander wore his underwear and his big ass shirt whereas John just put on his boxers and called it a fucking day. “There was an oversupply of vegetables and he felt bad due to the careless treatment towards the farmers so he bought a lot. I would know ‘cause I have my share too.”

“Knock yourself out. I’ll just check my emails.”

There was a hum in response. “Don’t zone out too well.”

“I make no promises John of the Laurens clan.”

Alexander scanned his emails, most of them were sponsors for his blog or emails from The Universe that he’s left sitting there. He zeroed in on Lim’s emails first. He has sent the first draft of chapter five already. What he liked about Lim was that he works quickly and efficiently. He had yet to check the illustrations John has made and it was a good feeling to work beside John because it wasn’t stressful.

He doesn’t know how long he’s zoned out for but pretty soon he smells food and hears plates placed on the table, a very rare thing to come to his senses. He turns his head towards the kitchen island and sees John with a lopsided smile as he took a sip of his coffee.

“What’s on the menu,” Alexander said, making his way to the island.

“Eggplant omelette, sweet potatoes, and toast,” John said. “I was too lazy to actually do anything amazing but I thought I’d think about your health.”

“What are you talking about? This is amazing?” Alex said, eyes going from to food to John. “Thank you.”

“No problem, Alexander.”

“Let’s eat then.” He almost chokes with how good the food tastes, almost feels warmer than normal when John made his coffee exactly the way he wants it. “God. You’re perfect.”

John laughed. “Can you and the eggs get some room?”

“This is a threesome now, Laurens.”

“Oh joy.”

“But, really, John, you are perfect.”

“I’m really not,” John said. “But I’m glad you think the food is great.”

“What are you doing after?” Alexander asked.

John paused. “Err...do you want me to go?”

“Don’t be weird,” he said, talking with his mouth full of toast. “I mean do you wanna do anything or do you wanna work or, hmm, whatever you want.”

“We can do the project for Lim.”

Alexander shook his head. “We can do any other work but that.”

“What? Why?”

“Let’s draw the line between professional time and not because this—-” he gestured between their half-naked stated. “ —- is anything but.”

“But you just said we could work together.”

“I meant on different projects. Listen, I’ve done my fair share of work related dating and when the lines are blurred it just turns out shitty.”

Laurens rolled his eyes. “I mean I doubt we’d have any problems.”

“True but I still don’t want to,” Alex shrugged.

“Yeah,” John scoffed. “You do look like the type to have an office scandal.”

“That’s not true,” Alex said. He sighed then turned away with a pout. “Except that it is.”

“What have I signed up for.”

“The best ride of your life, my boo.”

“You have an eggplant in your mouth, gay ass.”

“And it tastes delicious,” Alex teased, leaning and kissing him on the cheek. “Thanks, my boo.”

John groaned out loud, swatting him away. “God fuck I’m getting the heebie jeebies because of that please no.”

“Okay, dearest,” Alex replied absentmindedly. The food was getting too cold to finish their banter.

“K.”

* * *

They teased each other a bit before they decided to go over at John’s place. John repeated that his place was nowhere near as great as Alexander’s place but it was obvious that both of them wanted to spend more time with each other. Truly, John wouldn’t even consider leaving if only he just didn’t need his paint and canvas.

“Are you moving in with me?” John joked.

Alexander huffed, holding his big bag tighter. “There is no such thing as overpacking.”

“So how much underwear did you bring?” John asked, cocking a brow.

Alexander pouted. “I mean five but who’s counting?”

“Assuming are we?”

“Yep,” he said, popping the ‘p’. “You’re stuck with me for at least five days, dear.”

John scoffed. “Just don’t finish all my Cheetos Puffs.”

“Yay.” Alexander blinked, a little bit surprised at the sudden feeling of fingers intertwining with his. He looked at John but the other man provided no reaction other than checking his email on his phone. They were holding hands as if it were nothing but it’s not nothing to Alexander. He snaps out of his romantic reverie when he hears a car honking but felt John still moving. He pulls him back, inches before he could step off the sidewalk. “Woah, hey, Laurens.”

“Sorry, what’s up?”

“You almost got hit by a car, dumb nut,” Alex scowled. “Where is your head?”

“It wouldn’t have killed me, Lex,” he said, shrugging. “Thanks for saving me though, _soldatino_.”

“What’s that?”

“Italian. I learned the word from a song my old roommate used to sing.”

“So what does it mean.”

“Guess.”

“Well, I mean, context clues um...” he trailed off. “Soldier?”

“Ding ding ding.”

“You sound bored.”

“I’m having the time of my life.”

Alex bumped his shoulder with his. “Fucking rude.”

“I already gave you a disclaimer,” John hummed. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Bring it on.”

They walked, fingers intertwined, on the cold New York streets. It was September and the chill was undeniable but it felt good as it bit on his cheeks and reached for this hands or any exposed skin there was to offer. It was never cold back in Nevis except for the chill that came to him at night through his thin blankets. He never thought he’d think of ‘cold’ as a happy thing.

But, now, he is holding someone’s hand as he walked and the chill doesn’t quite reach him to his bones because his heart feels warm and full. It’s weird. In the most unprecedented moment, he figures that maybe this is a person he can love. The reason could be because he was one hell of a kisser or maybe because he could handle his own side of the conversation without missing a beat.

Perhaps he’s found his equal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos or comment if you'd like! It helps a lot. Tell me your favorite ice cream flavor
> 
> FUN FACT:  
> ~ John Laurens is based on me and my best friend
> 
>  
> 
> Mini-rant:
> 
> I'm currently a working art student and this particular job is hard right now it legit makes me want to cry. It's the first time I've been given the position in which I am in charge of a certain department. God. I just want to finish this week.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This will take an odd turn.

Alexander didn’t stay over at his place for that long, only lasting about three days before he had to go back because he couldn’t work properly in John’s place. He was not well accustomed to going to someone else’s place to work especially when everything that he needed was at his own house.

Then, they got together for some drinks and decided that it was better to be with each other...

Again.

And again.

And _again._

Until, it was a sober day and Alex had decided that he wanted to come over and stay with him for a while.

Again.

And again.

They didn’t need the excuse of it ‘being too late to go home alone’ or ‘being too early to leave each other’s company’. If Alexander had not been driven by initiative then, the alcoholic cycle would have continued not that they left the bar piss drunk anyway.

John doesn’t know how they fall into a routine of who is in whose place just because they want to drink more of each other up. Alexander had fun with watching John trade his tablet and pen in favor of paint, canvas, and brushes. He realized that when they hold hands, it’s a cute get together of pen stains and paint stains.

John is slightly embarrassed of his own living conditions with books, art supplies, papers, and other miscellaneous items stacked together or strewn across the space in different positions. It didn’t help that Alexander had migrated some of his own books to John’s house and now it was just an amalgamation of their things combined.

One morning, Alexander was kind of lying down on his lap while using his laptop. It was ‘kind of’ lying down because he was merely trapping John’s legs underneath his belly as he typed down furiously and without hesitation. John was resting his tablet on Alexander’s back, revising his sketch for his client that asked for ‘The Little Prince’.

“Hey.”

John looked at Alex who was looking at him as if he’d done something wrong. “Yes? Is my lap not soft enough?”

Alexander broke into a grin, perched himself up in an uncomfortable position, kissed John’s cheek, then continued working on his laptop again as if nothing happened. John sniffed, glad he didn’t need to hide his blush again. Then the world sort of...stopped. He realized that it’s been almost five weeks of having Alexander in his life and, dare he say it, this was the longest time that it’s been this good. He’s always known but now it’s further emphasized that _they were dating._ He had no idea if this thing between them is as serious as it is but he knows they’re going to have to talk about it soon.

He doesn’t want to fuck this up, doesn’t think he can get anyone better than someone who can talk to him about the complications of the English language while also throw a fit about Steven Universe. It’s almost too good to be real.

He was cut off his thoughts when there was a loud bang.

“Laurens! Did you forget our practice da—-” Peggy barged into the room, stopping to stare. Angelica and Eliza followed with Angelica stopping then snorting a small laugh.

“I guess I forgot to lock the door when I threw out the trash,” Alexander said, not looking away from his laptop. It was a wonder how to ever get his attention sometimes.

John coughed. “Oh, really?”

“ _Positive._.”

“I may have forgotten,” John said, clearing his throat as Peggy shot him a look that said ‘you think?’. He can’t even stand up because Alex was still on his lap. “I was a bit buried in work.”

There was clambering in the hallway before Remi appeared in the doorway all sweaty as if it were a hundred degree heat outside. “I’m sorry I’m late oh woah hey Alex.”

“Hey.”

“Buried in work,” Angelica repeated. “Are you sure, kid?”

“Listen, fingering the guitar all day—-” Alex chuckled, John scowled. “—-won’t pay my bills.”

Angelica gave her a pointed. “You and I both know that you accept work left and right, you just don’t know how to manage your time and expectations.”

John didn’t give her any sort of reply.

“Lex,” Eliza said. “There are literally tables you can use instead of crushing Laurens here.”

“He’s fine,” John said, waving it off. “He makes for a good tablet stand.”

“What separates me from a tablet stand is that I have feelings, John Laurens,” Alexander said.

John waved it off. “So...practice?”

“Let’s eat first,” Remi whined. “I’m ordering meat lover’s pizza.”

“You’re vegan,” Angelica said, rolling her eyes. “And _fine_ we can eat. I just don’t get the point of going to the area where we should work and instead of starting immediately, we find a reason to delay it.”

Peggy blinked at her. “Do you want a burger?”

“Please,” she huffed, sitting down on the sofa chair.

“Don’t mind, Ange,” Eliza said. “She just got off this juice detox thing she saw online.”

“I’m trying to prove a point that it doesn’t work, alright,” Angelica said.

Eliza snorted. “Enjoy the fruits of your labor then.”

“Alexander,” John said. “You’re going to have to get off of me in a minute.”

“Yes, dear, in a bit.”

“Did you get married in this apartment as well?” Peggy asked.

“Does it count if we just consummated it?”

“Ah, so that’s the smell,” Angelica said and it would have been offensive had she not look like she had waded in the sun all day, hand covering her eyes.

“The _smell_ is Alex’s failed attempt at making pancakes,” John said, smiling fondly.

“You said it tasted good,” Alex whined.

“I strictly concentrated on the taste of the chocolate syrup I put on it.” Alex turned to glare. “It was a good attempt.” Then quietly. “ _Mio soldatino._ ”

Alex is the only one who hears it and he smiles at him. He carefully moved to sit up, leaning on the backrest of the couch and placing the laptop on his own lap. John propped up his feet on the table in front of them, sighing as he can finally feel his legs.

“How have you liked your stay here in this complex, Hammie?” Peggy asked with a teasing lilt in her voice.

“Can’t say I’ve gone out much but I did see you throw out the trash in your pink boxers and Trollz shirt,” he said.

“I wear that for the irony,” she said defensively. “And _you_ gave me that.”

“Trade you for the burnt pancakes that he makes,” John said.

“I’m good.”

“I’m going to use my ‘island boy’ card on all of y’all.”

“Oh goodness their vocabulary is mixing,” Eliza said.

“That’s stereotypical,” John scoffed. “I do not say _y’all_.”

“Yes you do, babe,” Alexander said.

John sighed. “Whose side are you on exactly?”

“The side of _justice_.”

Remi plopped down on the beanbag chair with a loud groan. “Pizza will be here in twenty minutes. Meanwhile, Jonathan, you’ve wronged me.”

Eliza groaned. “Not this again.”

“What again?” John asked confused.

“You said you’ve finished our new song but it’s the same as ‘Lie’.”

John caught Peggy’s scowl but it was directed at her brother and not him. “Remi.”

“No, really, it’s the same victimization trope or damsel trope. We need to expand, we can’t always milk your past situation to keep on creating new songs because sooner or later it’ll be the same thing.”

“You should work on how you phrase things,” Alex frowned.

“Sorry but it’s true.”

“Sorry, no, it’s fine. It’s just how Remi talks.” John said, waving it off casually. Remi nodded but Alexander still wasn’t convinced. “I’ll try to look for new material.”

Eliza frowned. “Personally, I like the things you write. My brother is probably just sick and tired of not being to go all out being that the music you write is more slow and sensual.”

“So god damn annoying, Liza,” Remi huffed.

She glared at him. “You’re the one to talk projecting your—-”

“Do not bring that up.”

When he felt John twitch from beside him, Alexander’s frown deepened, then turned into an annoyed expression. “We were both fine this morning. Did all of you just show up to argue?”

Remi deflates and leans back, crossing his arms. John thought that it was weird for him to act like that especially since it’s his first time seeing Remi so upset. He was usually so bubbly and kind. He quietly wonders if he’s going through something.

“Sorry,” Eliza said.

“I’m going out for some air,” John said, pushing down his feelings. The room was too stuffy and he needed to grab some Cheetos anyway because, despite telling him off, Alexander just snacked on them constantly.

“Company?” Alexander said, nodding when John shook his head. Alexander continued to watch him as he exited the door. “Take care!”

“Yeah!”

_Click!_

“He seems happier,” Peggy said.

“Who? John?” Alex said, confused. “Really?”

“Well...yeah,” she replied as if making an obvious point.

“He’s not usually the touchy type,” Angelica explained. “And he doesn’t explain when he has to exit the room, he just does it.”

Remi gave him the side eye, oddly. “He’s always so _distant_.”

“It hasn’t been obvious to me,” he frowned. “I just like to be with him. I’m not even sure if he likes me that much.”

Eliza rolled her eyes. “He does, Alex. You and I both know that you’re good at reading people.”

“I don’t know him very well,” Alexander replied.

Angelica scoffed. “Is that not what you’re working on?”

“No, you’re right,” Alex said. “Oh god. Jesus. It’s my nerves.”

“You’re nervous?” Remi said, looking like he wanted to laugh.

“That’ a first,” Eliza muttered.

“It’s stupid but he’s different,” Alex said. “Like he can hold a conversation with me. I can’t believe he actually stood against my long ass monologue about the complications of the English language.”

“He did _that_?” Peggy asked. “Keep him please. Whenever you have a long monologue you can just have him.”

“Hey, you liked my monologue about the cryogenic freezing of Walt Disney.”

“Oh, shoot. You’re right.”

Angelica rolled her eyes. “Point being that you seem to work well with each other.”

“Though didn’t you mention loving the single life?” Remi drawled.

“I do,” Alex said. “I mean whatever.”

“Wow Alexander Hamilton at a loss for words.”

“I am _not_.” He was. He definitely was. “Look. I hardly know him.”

“Isn’t that the purpose of dating,” Eliza said. Alexander knew he just repeated his statement but whatever, alright.

Alexander sighed loudly and dramatically. “God.”

_Ding!_

“Pizza’s here!”

* * *

It’s weird, Alexander thought as he allowed his fingers to pick up its pace on the keyboard. He relished the sounds of the clickity clack that echoed in the room, the only sound that has consume him for maybe more than a decade now. Anyway, it’s weird.

He didn’t know what used to go on in his head as he typed what he needed to, he didn’t know what could make his attention waves and split into two because now he was thinking about if John had already eaten that day. Hell. Did he himself even eat that day? What a hypocrite.

There’s another blog post he’s been wanting to do for a while now and he finally has the time to do it. In all honesty, the stagnancy stressed him out more than having various projects back to back. School was different, his time was offered to the educational systems in which schedules were _given_ but this time he had his time in his hands and he didn’t know what the hell to do it.

He was advised to rest by not only his guardian but also his own friends. The thing is that he didn’t feel like he should or that he deserved it, felt like he was losing the time that was allotted for the grind of things. But then he sees overworked individuals and reads about burnouts that lead to worse depression, combined with his own list of accomplishments that were remarkable but never seemed to be enough.

He was non-stop. It was his branding.

He needed to let it go a little bit if he wanted to live longer, if he wanted to appreciate the things around him. It’s a flaw that was most prominent when he was with Eliza and he wished he could have been better for her but that’s in the past now. They’ve both moved on and he has learned.

But he got the hint.

Alexander wasn’t _stupid_. He has dated Eliza long enough to know when and if she felt uncomfortable during a certain situation. He could tell that Eliza wasn’t all that comfortable with the idea of him and John which is a bit unfair considering the fact that they agreed that they were okay with moving on. It wasn’t like they agreed to get back together at some point and it was already impossible.

He had to give her credit for trying to act normal but he needed to talk to her about this, he can’t just keep pretending that she was being subtle about the discomfort and avoidance of the topic and act itself.

 

[From: John]

Hey, have you eaten yet?

 

[To: John]

It’s 2AM, Laurens.

 

[From: John]

So have you?

 

[To: John]

Nope

[From: John]

I made vegetable lasagna out of stress  
I’m coming over

 

Alexander rolled his eyes, shooting a quick ‘go ahead’ as if he wasn’t in the climax of his writing. He thought back to Eliza, her nervous lip chewing and deep sighs then to John who was probably bundled up in a hoodie and a beanie on the way to him.

There was no comparing the two.

Eliza was soft and gentle in touch and in words, always caring and always there. She couldn’t hold a fierce conversation with him or anyone else but she was firm in her beliefs and stood by everyone through sheer loyalty. She was the best of women, too good for Alexander and it still made him wonder how they ever got together and how he ever lost her when he could so vividly remember balcony nights and star gazing with her.

But then the door clicks with the sound of the present.

He rips his thoughts away from the past and looks forward.

There is, afterall, a new horizon and it was carrying vegetable lasagna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you for reading this fic! I hope you enjoyed yourself, mes amies. 
> 
> THINGS TO STAY TUNED FOR: 
> 
> \- John's feelings towards 'fighting'  
> \- An Eliza-centric point of view that I tried really hard to not make it as if it was eliza hate because I love her.  
> \- Remi (in general)  
> \- John (in general)
> 
>  
> 
> Quick update:
> 
> My work deadline got extended so I get to that as well as my thesis. I added an additional amount to my fee because I need it for therapy fees HA HA HA it ain't illegal and getting help is expensive y'all. 
> 
> QUESTION OF THE DAY: Do you like pineapples on pizza?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyo

“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” Peggy’s call, echoing throughout the room. 

Angelica emerged from the washroom, face pinched and some stray hairs giving her some injustice. “Have I accidentally replaced my little sister for a police siren?”

Eliza chuckled. “She’s just excited.” 

“It’s not like we’re 6 year olds going to Disneyland,” Angelica huffed. “We’re going to John’s apartment.” 

“This time it’s John’s brewed coffee and a new song she sings on repeat until we’re forced to harmonize,” Eliza hummed.

Peggy appeared inside the room again. It was obvious she hasn’t showered, favoring a ponytail instead and maybe some dry shampoo. “Come on, sissies.” 

“You know that means something else, right?”

Eliza laughed, pulling her along. “Come on, we can order Mcdonald’s or something.” 

“Where’s Rem?” Angelica asked. 

Peggy seemed to scowl. “He’s going to be on time out with how he acted last time.” 

“Ah.” 

Angelica sighed. “He’s young and volatile, I suppose.”

“Even so,” Peggy said. “He promised that the dynamic wouldn’t change. He knew this was coming and, besides, he has no excuse because look at ‘Liza.” 

Eliza frowned. “I understand why he lashed out but I’m not going to defend him. He’s just fooling himself at this point.” 

“Talking to ourselves, are we?” Peggy hummed. 

“I’m happy for them,” Eliza said, smiling. She caught Angelica’s look then she rolled her eyes. “I’ll get better at this.” 

“You were wrong about Hamilton,” Peggy said. 

Angelica squeezed Peggy’s shoulder. “Calm down.” 

“You might be my sister, Eliza, but I really can’t get over what had happened before. You hurt him and _you’re_ unhappy.” 

“Enough, Pegs.” 

“It was a mutual decision.”

Peggy stopped and turned. “You were blinded.”

“Where is this coming from, Peggy?” Eliza asked. “Are we okay?”

“John and Alex are both my friends—-” 

“They’re ours too.”

“ —- but it’s different because you know why? I’m not self motivated. We’re okay, Eliza, I swear. I’m not resentful, I just get re-angry but I’m not going to forgive you if you make Alex feel bad for so much as liking John and I won’t forgive Rem for doing the same. They look happy so let’s keep it that way.” 

And it finally clicks for Eliza that Peggy was right, she had been self motivated and Angelica had been the same. They had been possessive and only thinking of the word ‘mine, mine, mine’. They both might be good and kind but sometimes traits like these flood out but she didn’t ask for much, she only asked for some of his time. His time was enough but she got angry and upset with not even gaining that which is already understandable but she could have communicated better. 

“That was uncalled for,” Peggy said, looking a little guilty. “I’m sorry.”

“I needed to hear it one way or another, right?” Eliza sniffed. 

So, here’s the thing, Eliza wasn’t inherently bad and she’s not a shitty girlfriend or friend. There were just some faults that can’t be metaphorically sanded down. She didn’t provide Alexander with anything less than what he deserved, it’s just that complications got in the way and Eliza was only human. She knew the break up would affect not only her but her sisters, mostly Peggy because she found a confidant in Alex and it was something she didn’t find in her sisters. It was only natural that Peggy would have a slight bias despite the familial ties. 

“John, are you decent?” Peggy asked when they finally got to John’s apartment. 

They could hear a snort before the door was opened by Alex. “He’s just getting dressed, come in.” 

“How scandalous,” Angelica teased.

 

“He just got out of the shower,” Alexander huffed. 

“So is that why your hair is wet as well?” 

“John, I’m being harassed!” 

“Don’t forget to lock the door, Alexander.” 

Eliza laughed behind her hand. “Lovely.” 

Alexander rolled his eyes. “I swear he doesn’t care about me. Anyway, make yourselves comfortable while I work on my laptop and don’t eat his Cheetos because he gets cranky when you do that.” 

“Why are you even here?” Peggy asked. 

“He’s taken your guitarist as hostage,” John said, emerging from his bedroom. 

“It’s called dating,” Alexander scoffed. John rolled his eyes and blew at the nape of the other man’s neck as he walked past him which is probably the most affectionate he’ll be when he’s with company. Alexander doesn’t mind this, only hums in slight fondness. 

In the years that Eliza has dated, Alexander, there were many things that she has picked up on and learned about him. It’s mostly based on “what not to do when dating Alexander” or “what Alexander isn’t exactly capable of doing”, she’s gotten it down to a perfect science and it’s not because they fought a lot but because she’s not one to, be it accidentally, upset anyone. 

**Note 1: Don’t try to move him when he’s on his laptop**

They had started their band practice, John buried deep in papers as he tried to figure out the melody of the song. Peggy was working on another thing, talking out loud and randomly in hopes to maybe get out of her writer’s block. Angelica was adjusting the synth on her laptop, headphones in and practically making out with the screen. 

Eliza didn’t have to do anything so she just sat back and checked and sent emails. She was, after all, in charge of arranging the gigs. She was also updating their social media accounts and monitoring their tags. Remi was a popular one but the one with less photos since he was the drummer. 

John groaned from beside her, scratching his head. “It’s so disorganized.”

Eliza snorted. “I mean.” 

“The papers are fine but I can’t read anything like this,” John sighed, trying to get up but not wanting to mess up his messily organized piles. “‘Lex?” 

Eliza cocked her brow. “I can get it for you.”

“S’fine,” John said. “ _Mio soldatino._ ” 

“ _¿Sí?_ ” 

“ _¿Puedes conseguir mis plumas de color_ ”

Alex looked at him then chuckled. “What a mess you are, dear. Where are they?” 

“You stole them,” John said, shooting a lighthearted glare. 

“Unforgivable by law,” the other man deadpanned. He stood up and disappeared in John’s bedroom, returning with a pack of colored pens. He handed them to John then took a peek at his work. “Wow I can’t see anything.” 

“I know right? That’s why I needed these pens,” John huffed. “Thank you.” 

“No problem, tell me if you need anything else,” Alex said as he walked back to his laptop.

John contemplated. “I’m fine.” 

 

Eliza looked at the pens and John’s small smile, then forced herself to just check her emails again. 

 

 **Note 2: Alexander doesn’t like to be straight up told to take care of himself which is the most frustrating thing about him.**

 

Lunch time has rolled around and it was a successful session amongst the band members. John had organized his mess and was halfway through his final draft. Peggy was still muttering to herself but at least she’s breezed through different sheets of papers. Angelica was done ages ago, scrolling boredly on her phone. Eliza had took it upon herself to work in John’s kitchen and make spaghetti. 

“Lunch is ready, guys,” Eliza chirped. 

Peggy’s head whipped up wicked fast while Angelica stood up without looking away from her phone. The sisters bounded towards her and started to serve themselves. Eliza smiled as they eyed the food she made with excitement but then she looked at John who slowly came to stand behind Alexander, rubbing the man’s back almost soothingly. 

“It’s time to eat,” John said. 

Alexander shook his head. “I’m not hungry, go ahead.” 

“Yes you are, you haven’t even eaten breakfast,” he frowned. “Come on.” 

The other man frowned and hunched forward even more. “Hmm.” 

“Don’t be a, dumb nut, can you please take care of yourself?” 

“M’not a dumb nut.” 

“Come on, man.” 

“Fine.” Alexander reluctantly got up. Eliza expected him to look rather annoyed and he did but then he looked at John and grinned at him. “You worked hard?” 

“Got a headache,” is all John said before they headed to the kitchen. 

“You guys should Lady and the Tramp this,” Peggy said. 

“Over my dead—-”

“We already di—-” 

John and Alexander looked at each other then laughed. Peggy rolled her eyes a bit, smiling as she chewed on her spaghetti. Eliza caught Angelica looking at her with no readable expression, she decided to just shoot her smile. 

 

 **Note 3: Alexander doesn’t like to not touch.**

 

John wasn’t exactly the touchy type or at least maybe not when there are people, the polar opposite to Alexander who has ranked “Physical Touch” as his number one on his love language quiz and it is equal in ranking to “Quality Time” so Eliza didn’t really know what to expect when Alexander was done with his work and came to sit beside John. 

Alexander was fidgety, seeming to want to hold him but hesitating because he was still unsure of boundaries. John frowned, feeling Alexander’s shaking leg. “You good?” 

Alex nodded, beginning to fish out his phone. He wasn’t even much of a ‘phone person’ but it’s a good distraction for when he starts to fidget. “Yeah.” 

John gave him a disbelieving look before he put his attention back to his papers. Eliza could have missed it if she had looked away. She saw John slowly close the space between him and Alexander, purposefully brushing their shoulders together. 

Alex blinked then looked at John, he started to contemplate again if he was going to cross a line or not. It may have taken ages before Alexander decided to slide down a bit and lean his head lightly on John’s arm. The other man paused with tapping on his phone, then resumed after a second as if nothing happened. 

Alexander smiled, comfortable. 

 

 **Note 4: Alexander wasn’t good at apologizing or pinpointing his mistake.**

It’s a quiet moment. 

Eliza had wanted to get some air by the fire escape but he sees two figures there and instantly knew that it was John and Alexander. She must have missed them disappearing a while back because she thought they were back in apartment somewhere. 

She was about to walk away when Alexander spoke and it stopped her. “Hey, I’m sorry.” 

“What?” John sounded genuinely confused. 

“When I pointed out the inaccuracies of your sketches,” Alexander said. “I could have said it better.” 

John hummed, almost sounding like he agreed. “Yeah, you could have.” 

“Sorry.” 

“We’re fine, Alex,” John said. “I just need to work harder that’s all.” 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” 

“I know.” 

“We’re fine?” 

“We are, _mio soldatino_.” It was the most gentle tone she has heard John ever use.

Eliza didn’t know for sure but she assumed that Alexander was smiling very wide. She quietly escapes from the scene, trying to concentrate on Angelica and Peggy’s discussion when she got back to John’s apartment.

**Note 5: Alexander wasn’t good at remembering small details, often demolished by his work.**

Eliza doesn’t recall how many days it’s been of just observing John and Alexander but tonight they’re at a gig and Hercules ordered a shit ton of random appetizers but it was mostly for Lafayette who was experiencing the munchies. 

“Slow down, John, you’re going to choke,” Remi said, watching as John picked on every platter.

Alexander shot him a sheepish look. “He forgot to eat today.”

Angelica shook her head in disapproval. “John, take care of yourself more.” 

“I just got a bit carried away,” John said, then yelped when Alexander gripped his hand to stop him from eating something. “What’s your deal?” 

“That has shrimp,” Alexander said smoothly.

John’s face scrunched up. “Oh.” 

Lafayette gave them a weird look. “Is he like...anti-shrimp?” 

John snorted, rolling his eyes. “I’m deathly allergic to shrimp.” 

“The mozzarella sticks there on the other end aren’t half bad,” Alexander said. 

“I’m a slut for cheese,” John blurted out. 

Peggy gave a contemplative look then nodded. “Yeah, same.”

* * *

It was maybe a Wednesday when Eliza decided to cook for everyone while they were in John’s apartment. She had watched them together and had replayed certain moments in her head, trying not to compare it to the past but maybe she really just can’t help herself. When she sees Alexander bite his lip to stop a smile because John had inched closer to him, she stands and excuses herself. 

Eliza was in the kitchen cleaning the dishes, lost in thought. She didn’t exactly know what thought she was lost in but she knew that her hands had long since set themselves in autopilot. It has been a while since she found solitude in the kitchen and an even longer while that she has been lost in her head. She was only brought back to reality when someone leaned on counter beside her. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi, Lex,” Eliza said. “Why are you hiding here?” 

“Why are you?” 

Eliza rolled her eyes. “Who said I was hiding?” 

“I can still tell when you’re uncomfortable, you know,” Alex said. “It’s not that hard to decode.” 

She turned off the faucet and sighed. “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.” 

“I don’t feel bad,” he replied. “I just want to know why.” 

“I guess...” She paused. If she were to admit this out loud then it would be real, it would exist. She wanted to lie, to hide but Alexander looked at her so earnestly and like he cared that they might on the brink of falling apart again. “I’m jealous.” 

There it was. It was out there. It is such an ugly word to echo and bounce around the walls. It was so unbecoming of her and yet she knew that it was only human, that feelings were validated because no one can help how they felt. 

It was his turn to sigh. He shifted and crossed his arms. “That’s so unfair, Betsey.” 

It was like someone dusted off the cobwebs of her metaphorical pain. “Don’t call me that please.” 

“Alright. I’m sorry.” 

“I know it’s unfair, alright?” She said. “I was...I was the one who wanted this for the both of us even though I loved you so deeply.” 

“Then what’s happening?” 

“When you and I broke up, I could not stay away and I wanted to see if you would change for me. I wanted to see if you would regret agreeing to it. I was so unhappy with how we were and I waited for you to change and now I see you with him and you’re how I always wished you would be and possibly more. I know that today isn’t the most prime example but, Alex, you’re balancing your time with work and your time with him when I always used to beg you for even just a minute.”

 

Alexander looked both mad and so very upset. “I’m sorry for all the things that I did to have made you feel that way, I was so much younger then and I’ve learned more as I grew to be who you see right now. I loved you. I did and you loved me the same. It wasn’t enough.”

Eliza felt numb. 

“And you have to know that it isn’t you and it never was, you weren’t the reason why I acted the way I did and it’s the same as how John isn’t the reason why I am this way now. I’m doing this for myself.” 

“Okay.” It was hard to look at him.

“But you’re still unfair, Liza, how dare you try to fix me when you always repeated that there was nothing to be fixed. You’ve never communicated with me about how my working upset you. I could not have picked that up from you just asking for some time alone.”

“I’m sorry.” 

Alexander took a deep breath. “That was more apologizing than I bargained for.” 

“I’d have thought you would just let me get away with this.” She looked up at him. “But I guess, this is you we’re talking about.” 

“I always wondered how you could have moved on so easily when it was so hard for me,” he said.

“I didn’t move on,” she said. “I only hoped that I did. In the back of my mind I thought it would be you and me in the end.” 

“So I guess this means we won’t be seeing much of each other anytime soon?” 

Eliza nodded. “It can’t be helped of course but I just need to take the time away from you, you know, the time I should’ve taken a while back.”

Alexander cracked a smile. “Let’s go back to the living room then?” 

Eliza smiled back. “Sure.” 

She felt lighter as they stepped out into the living room together with both John and Peggy shooting them a curious look. “What have you two been doing in the kitchen?” 

Alex sat down next to John, looking unproblematic. “We did a seance.” 

“ _Alex_ ,” John scowled. “Tell me you’re joking.” 

“He is,” Eliza said, shaking her head. 

John sighed. “Oh thank god.” 

“You believe in that stuff?” Angelica asked, cocking a brow. 

“I used to be a non-believer but my old roommate used to mess with shit like that and I swear we let that house become haunted.” John had shivered after he said those words. “That is why, children, you do not mess with a quija board or anything that concerns the undead or demonic shit.” 

“But it’s _fun_ ,” Peggy whined. She then caught John eyeing a salt packet left on the table and she hurriedly put some distance between them. “Do not salt me, heathen.” 

Angelica pulled up an image of a crucifix on her phone and face it towards Peggy, the latter just glaring and hissing ridiculously. “I knew my sister was replaced with something else the other day.” 

“Can we cleanse the room?” John scoffed. “Can we watch Mamma Mia?” 

“God that is so gay,” Angelica muttered as she began to search for it on her laptop. “2008?” 

“The new one please,” Eliza chirped. “I wanna gawk over Lily.” 

“She’s so hot,” Peggy said. It was almost funny how serious she sounded. 

In the darkness, lit only by the TV screen. Eliza catches John leaning on Alexander’s shoulder. She stole a glance at Alex, seeing him look at John then the screen then at Eliza. He smiled. She smiled back. 

This.

This would all be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hello what's up? Thank you for reading this chapter! I admit that it isn't ///the best/// but I just wanted to add some fillers before I get my point across, y'know? I don't hate Eliza. I just love Lams. (btw I watched a 9/11 animatic about them and I got distracted during a meeting because I was so sad gdi). 
> 
>  
> 
> I have a crush. Help.
> 
> Question of the day: what is your crush/significant other/best friend/dog like?


	6. Chapter 6

Alexander should have really expected this. 

Really really should have been smarter than he was about ten minutes ago. It was John’s fault really for waking up earlier than he normally did. His insomnia had disappeared for a quick moment and now he’s troubled about how much he oversleeps, Alexander had quite a time adjusting to it too. 

Why couldn’t they have just slept at John’s apartment today?

John had woken up a bit earlier as usual (or at least like he always did for the past week), Alexander was woken up by the shifting of the bed. He assumed that John would make coffee for himself but then he heard the bedroom door open and then...

“Who are you?” It was a familiar deep voice.

_Oh god. Oh shit._

“John Laurens, sir,” John replied calmly. “Who are you?” 

Alexander bursted out the room, morning wood be damned. “ _Sir._ ” 

“Ah, Alexander,” the man said. “Good morning.” 

John looked back from George Washington to Alexander. Alex really believed that John should look more ashamed of how they possibly looked but, alas, John in the morning is a John who did not give a fuck. One just can’t ask John too many questions, otherwise he gets cranky. “Would you like some coffee?” 

Alexander blinks and catches George do the same. Indeed, that wasn’t the initial reaction anyone was expecting out of a man who just walked out of Alex’s bedroom in striped pajama pants and an oversized shirt that had a hole in the armpit area. 

George blinked again. “Yes, thank you....”

“Triple drip?”

“I...yes.” He watched John go to the kitchen island, fetching three mugs from the cabinet. 

“I’m going to need coffee first,” Alexander said and George nodded. They stood there comfortably with Alexander checking his phone for some email updates as George did the same. From the counter, John watched them fondly. 

John returned quickly, managing to hold three mugs by the base instead of the handle. Alexander scowled as he quickly grabbed his mug. “God. I told you not to hold it like that. You’re going to burn yourself.” 

“I am unbothered,” John replied. 

George cleared your throat. “Your boyfriend?” 

Alexander looked at John. John looked back and nodded and shrugged. “Yeah, yeah I’m his boyfriend.” 

It wasn’t exactly the most romantic thing but Alexander is going to take it. “Yeah he’s my boyfriend. Boyfriend, meet George Washington.” 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir,” John said, smiling.

“Good to meet you,” George said. “Perhaps. This isn’t exactly the most formal of meetings.” 

“You could have left a message,” Alexander scoffed. 

George gave him a pointed look. “I did.” 

John smiled behind his mug as Alexander coughed. “Anyway, why the visit?” 

“Martha just wanted me to check on you,” George said, then gestured to the two paper bags next to him on the floor. 

Alexander stared. “Is that...jambalaya?” 

“Yes.” 

“Oh my god, John, I can’t wait for you to try those.” 

John shook his head. “That has shrimp, Lex.” 

“There’s one portion without it,” George said. “I had wondered why but now I know.” 

Alexander blushed. “Thank you for bringing these but that’s not all there is...right?” 

“You’re impossibly hard to surprise” George smiled fondly. “I’m actually going to run for senator in the next election.” 

John had to quickly react and grab Alexander’s mug of coffee before the man had shown complete disregard of his arms. “Are you serious? _Are you serious?_ ” 

“Absolutely,” the taller man grinned. “Of course, I’d love your help with the campaign.” 

“I don’t know how to feel or what to think I...” Alexander sat on the floor. “Give me a second. Can I have my coffee?” 

John looked at Alex and then the mug. “Maybe later, Lex.” 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Alexander nodded. 

George laughed. “That’s all I really went here for. Martha would be right about you almost fainting.” 

“That woman is always right,” Alex muttered. 

“Let’s discuss it more at dinner this Sunday,” George said. “You’re welcome to join, John. I would love to know more about you. Alexander hasn’t exactly been bringing home anyone to introduce to us.” 

John smiled politely. “Is that so? Thank you for inviting me, sir.” 

“I have my reasons,” Alexander huffed, but then smiled. “But yes, John, you’re welcome to come.” 

John gave him an ‘innuendo’ look. “If you say so.”

George had finished his mug of coffee and further discussed some general details of Sunday dinner before saying his goodbye, giving Alexander a tight hug and John a firm handshake. Alexander was putting the jambalaya in the fridge, thinking of how much he’ll ravage it later on in the night. He loved it whenever Martha made him jambalaya. 

Silence. 

“Hey, aren’t you eating breakfast?” Alex asked. 

“Aren’t you?” John shot back. 

“I feel nauseous when I eat this early,” Alexander said. “But you didn’t eat dinner last night so you should eat something.” 

“Later,” John replied. “I’m still not up for it.” 

“Alright. I’m sorry about George barging in like that,” Alexander said, smiling sheepishly. 

John shrugged. “It’s fine, I think it’s sweet that someone checks on you like that.” 

“Eh, well,” he shrugged. “I’m just glad you had boxers on.” 

“Wow yes A+ for ignoring the morning wood,” John snorted. Alexander shot him a glare before closing the fridge door. “Did he mean it?”

“The what?” 

“You’ve never brought anyone home?” John asked. 

Alexander sat on the coffee table so that he was directly in front of John. “Yeah, I’ve never brought anyone home.”

“Eliza? She’s like the perfect person to introduce.” 

Alexander shrugged. “I just...never got to that point. I introduced her yeah but I’ve never had her attend a family dinner as a partner or anyone romantically linked to me.” 

“Why?” 

“It...I don’t know,” Alexander said, trailing off. “I didn’t feel it necessary.”

“Oh.” John nodded. 

Alexander took John’s hand in his, surprising the other man. It was Alexander, it wasn’t at all that gentle. “But I want you to come with me to that family dinner. I’d love for you to meet George and Martha properly even though we’ve just made things official...I think.” 

“Are you just saying that ‘cause George invited me?” John asked. 

“No,” Alexander said, firm. “I want you to be there with me.” 

John bit his lip. “Is this too fast?” 

“Maybe,” he shrugged. “Is it a problem?” 

“No,” John said, a smile slowly making its way to his face. “Not at all.”

* * *

Alexander had met up with both Lafayette and Hercules at a coffee shop to hang out. He’d spent so much time with John that he thought they would both need some quality time apart. Also, he rarely sees Laf and Herc now, only ever seeing the Schuylers. 

Alex stirred his coffee, lazily. “So, I talked to Eliza the other day.” 

“What about?” Lafayette asked. 

“She was jealous of John,” Alexander said.

Herc shrugged. “She didn’t hide it very well.”

Laf had looked at Herc then back to Alex with knitted brows. “Why?”

“I’ve changed for the better and she’s jealous that John is the one experiencing it,” Alex explained. “I feel sort of bad that I didn’t provide her with my best attributes, but wait, Herc, what do you mean she didn’t hide it very well? You knew?” 

“During Blond John’s party, she was really off when she noticed the sticker on John’s guitar,” Herc said. “It didn’t help that she saw you two kiss and dug out another beer for herself afterwards.” 

Alex shook his head. “She’s going to distance herself for a bit.” 

“Like she should have when you guys just broke up,” Herc said. “I’m not mad but I am frustrated with how that played out.” 

“It happens,” Laf sighed, gulping down some water. 

Alex shrugged, looking down at his phone when it vibrated. It was a message from John. He picked it up from the table and lowered the phone to his lap. Herc and Laf had switched to a conversation about the latest movie they’ve seen together. 

 

[From: John]

_Sent a photo_

What do you think?

 

[To: John]

Did you follow a Bob Ross video?

 

[From: John]

Yeah.  
Happy trees.  
Happy trees.

[To: John]

You must be bored.

[From: John]

That and I had to get rid some blue and purple paint. I hardly use those.   
Also, are you coming over? Feels weird without you

[To: John]

Would love to but I wanna go on a walk alone later

[From: John]

Walk alone to my place then

[To: John]

Nice try, Laurens

[From: John]  
Who even walks anymore  
Who are you really?  
Give me back my boyfriend, fiend

Alex can’t help but wonder if that was meant to be a dumb haiku or not but, nevertheless, he couldn’t help but snort a light laugh. _Boyfriend._ The previous conversation on exes and whatnot has slowly dissolved as he felt his lips curl up despite his control. Eh, hell. He was never one to have full control of his emotions anyway. 

“You look...happier?” Lafayette said, staring at Alex. 

Alexander looked at him in a daze. “Huh?”

Hercules gave Laf a look. “Are the results out or something?” 

“I was not notified,” Laf frowned. “Lex?” 

“I have a boyfriend,” he hummed. 

“This is supposed to be new then?” Herc deadpanned. 

Laf gasped. “I’m so happy for you, Alexander. When was it made official? _Spill._ ” 

“Spill,” Alexander repeated with a snort. “Two days ago when George spontaneously checked in on me in my apartment.”

“This isn’t going to be something romantic, is it?” Lafayette said. 

Alexander shrugged. “If you count confirming if we were boyfriends in front of George while we were trying to hide our morning wood romantic then yeah _sure._ ” 

“Alex,” Herc groaned. “Seriously?” 

“It _is_ Alexander,” Lafayette said as if he was defending Alex but the latter simply gave him a faux glare. 

“Whatever, guys, I’m still happy as hell,” Alexander said, brushing them off. “I’m bringing him to family dinner.” 

Lafayette looked surprised. “Really? So this is serious then?” 

“I mean it’s just family dinner,” he said, trying to downplay it. “It’s nothing...serious?” 

Hercules shook his head. “You didn’t even bring any of your exes to _one_ , Alex, or at least you never brought them as your partner. This is sort of a big deal.” 

“It feels right,” Alexander said firmly. “I’d be upset if he weren’t there with me, despite you’re ravishing company.” 

Laf snorted. “Oh please.” 

“Hold up,” Herc said. “Have you told John what exactly a _family dinner_ means?” 

Alexander blinked. “What do you mean?” 

“ _Alex._ ” 

“I’ll handle it,” Alexander waved him off. “How are you and Adrienne?”

Lafayette’s face morphed into a slight disdain. “We’re not talking at the moment.” 

“Trouble in paradise?” Herc asked. 

“Sadly,” Laf huffed. “It’s the long distance thing. It’s not the best strain on one’s relationship especially if we’re both busy.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“She’s not very understanding of me going out to parties or using weed,” Laf said. “She’s not exactly wrong, she’s just not accustomed to it since the environment there is different from here. I don’t blame her but I am not sacrificing some of my lifestyle choices just because of a misunderstanding.” 

Hercules cocked a brow. “Can’t you just explain?” 

“I did,” he shrugged. “She’s thinking about it.” 

“Does she think you’re not being loyal?” Alexander asked. 

“We’re open on that. It’s a long distance relationship and we’ve talked about...err...dealing with our physical matters with something outside the relationship as long as we talk about it beforehand. I’ve never taken it because I never find the need to but she’s done it once or twice and that’s fine for the both of us,” Laf shrugged. “I’ve never cheated on her or abused the agreement.” 

“That’s good then,” Alex said. 

Herc nodded. “I’m sure this little argument will solve itself. It’s nothing that talking can’t fix.” 

“True,” Laf sighed, looking down at his phone. “I really want to marry her someday.” 

“Please don’t make violet the color of your wedding,” Herc said. 

Lafayette glared at him. “I’m _trying_ but she really likes it since it’s the color of royalty.” 

“Then do red,” Alexander groaned. “None of us look good in that color except maybe you to be honest.” 

“How about you, Mulligan?” Laf asked. “Fancy anyone?” 

Hercules shrugged. “None. I’m not actively looking for anyone.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. I feel happier on my own though I’m not opposed to finding someone,” Hercules said. “I was subjected to serial monogamy at one point in my life and now I just want shit to be chill. I don’t need to hurry.” 

“Let’s drink to us then,” Alexander said.

_Clink!_

“Ow!”

“What?”

“Don’t ‘cheers’ with hot coffee,” Alexander scowled, waving his hand a bit. “It’s fucking hot.” 

“So much for a winning celebration.” 

“Shut up.”

* * *

John really should have expected this. He was in a suit specifically fitted to show off his butt with a necktie that matched Alexander’s eyes after all. 

When ‘family dinner’ was mentioned he didn’t think it would be at a grand mansion with over a hundred guests and no sign of actually sitting down at any point during the night for a conversation over food. Alexander looked at him sheepishly as he gawked. 

“You owe me Mcdonalds,” John said, looking up at the mansion and then Alexander. “There isn’t going to be much eating.” 

“That obvious?” Alexander grinned. 

“My dad is a social climbing politician,” John snorted. “What do you think?” 

“People here are nice,” Alex said. “May I?” 

John looked down to see Alex offering his hand. This is too public for his taste but Alexander looked so good with his hair clean and slicked back and his eyebags a mite lighter. He ended up intertwining their fingers together and smiling. He waits for some negative emotion or thought to hit him but it doesn’t so steps closer and nods. “Shall we?” 

Alexander felt a thousand times light with John’s hand in his. He was nervous about whether or not John would freak out but he seemed to take this very well. John looked confident.

If he could describe the accumulated smell of the venue, he would have to say that it smelled like Jo Malone on crack. The elderly women who were here smelled of rose petals while the elderly men was a mixture of sandalwood or cigars (as if it was the 1950s). The swarovski details of every rich female’s dress here was almost blinding. He hates himself for knowing what swarovski is. 

“It smells like a perfume shop,” John said, sniffing slightly. “I don’t hate it but I’m definitely not taking a sample.”

Alexander chuckled. “So many peacocks here.” 

“You’re a peacock,” John retorted. 

“Squawk.” 

“No it’s more like _Crrrr he he he he_.” 

Alexander shoved him with his shoulder. “Shut up oh my god.” 

“Just thought you should know,” John shrugged. 

“Is that what you research at night when I’m working?” Alexander accused. 

 

“Do you wanna know what a tree sounds like when it falls and no one is there to hear it?” 

Alexander raised his hand to stop him. “I’m good.” 

John only laughed in response. 

“Hey, I forgot to tell you,” Alexander said. John had looked at him dead on because his voice had gotten softer. “You really look beautiful tonight. You look beautiful all the time but tonight I’m glad I’m here to witness _this._ ” 

John swallowed hard. “I need a drink.” 

Alexander snorted. “We’ll get some later.” 

“Alex! John!” They turned to see Peggy running towards them with Lafayette in tow. 

Laf huffed. “She’s had three glasses of champagne, just a warning.” 

“Oui oui,” Peggy grinned. Lafayette rolled his eyes. “You guys look hot.”

“Thanks,” Alexander said. “Where’s the others?” 

“Eliza is looking for the cakes, Angelica is with the Church family, Remi is hiding somewhere with a glass of wine, and dad is discussing something with the cook,” she said, listing it off in her fingers. “And I’m here with Laf.” 

“Good to see you’re not that shocked,” Laf said, smiling at John. 

John shook his head. “Oh, I am. I’m just good at repressing and screaming on the inside.”

Peggy huffed. “Me.” 

“Alexander,” another voice called. It was George, standing in a circle of people he didn’t know. 

Alexander squeezed John’s hand before letting go. “I’ll come back to you in a bit, dear.”

“It’s fine, go ahead,” John said, watching as Alexander shot him a winning smile before walking to stand beside George’s side. 

“You’re good?” Peggy asked, suddenly looking like she was sober. 

“We know how much you hate crowds like this,” Laf said.

“Don’t have much of a choice,” John said, watching as Alexander shook hands with some elderly men and he already looked like he was about to market a political strategy. “I know how much this means to him and, besides, the people here seem nice.” 

Laf snorted. “They all believe what your father doesn’t believe in.” 

“Righty-oh,” Peggy said. She scrunched up her nose with spite. “Cut me off.” 

John took her champagne glass and downed it gracefully. “Gladly.” 

Peggy and Lafayette had stayed by his side for a short while talking about the latest celebrity gossip or folktales they’ve read online since it was Peggy’s newest hobby. Lafayette would disappear then come back with drinks, alcoholic for John and non-alcoholic for Peggy since she wasn’t a fan of getting hardcore drunk all the time. There was a man that had been eyeing him for a short period of time but he paid him no mind.

They had to leave him soon though since Lafayette had to discuss matters with one of the ambassadors and Peggy had been called by her father to ‘flaunt her talented daughters in front of everyone’ or so she said. He didn’t mind up until someone had stood beside him. 

It was, of course, the man that had been eyeing him. 

“Hello,” John said. “May I help you with something?” 

“Are you Henry’s kid?” 

He immediately felt himself stiffen. “Yes, sir.” 

“Why are you here?” 

“I’m with my boyfriend,” he said, nodding towards Alexander who was in a serious conversation but smiled at John when he saw him looking. 

“A man with your beliefs does not belong here,” he said, rough. 

“With all due respect, I am not my father,” he replied. “And I have done numerous things to separate me from him.” 

“So then are you any better?” 

“What?” 

“Do you do what you do just for the sake of doing it or are you doing it to prove that you are not your family name?” 

He feels heat rise to his eyes. It wasn’t tears. It was rage. He wasn’t about to be questioned like this, not when he’s questioned himself for most of his life. “What is that supposed to mean?” 

“It means that you’re a fraud,” he said, voice irritatingly calm and self-righteous. “Are you using Hamilton as your leverage? He must be so easy then to be fooled by the likes of you.” 

“Where is this hatred coming from?” Laurens spat. “Show me your basis and maybe I’ll reconsider arguing with you.” 

“The Laurens name is already close to coming apart and with the Schuylers, the Washingtons, and the La Fayettes, I’m sure you’re hoping for some sort of saving grace here.” 

“You hardly know me.” 

“There is no space for frauds,” he said. “Especially for one as obvious as yourself.”

“Obvious?”

“No one could ever love that _son of a whore_.” 

**Red.**

“Gentlemen?” 

John had accidentally pointed his glare at Washington, expression softening when he saw him there glowering at the other man. The man simply shrugged, bowed, then left as if it were nothing. If Washington hadn’t appeared, John would have surely punched the guy. “Sir, how’s your night?’ 

George gave him an amused look. “Mine is swell. How is yours?” 

“Good,” John said. “I’ve lost my boyfriend to politics.” 

“When he wins their discussion, he’ll come back,” George chuckled. “I apologize for one of my guests, he’s not usually expected to come. I’ll have to remember to remove him from the guest list.” 

“He’s a fucking dickhead,” he raged for a second, then blushed. “Sorry, sir.”

“You _are_ my boy’s partner,” he chuckled. “You should know, John Laurens, that you’re not shunned from our family.” 

“Thank you, sir,” John said, feeling himself smile. “That means a lot.” 

“So, John, what do you do?” 

Their conversation becomes fluid after that with John talking about his passion in art and his light brushes against politics. He talked about his band with the Schuylers and Church. George would then discuss how, when he was young, he went through a rebellious phase which was hard to imagine considering that he was talking about metaphorically whipping his hair back and forth but he was now bald. 

It was lovely. 

“He’s had a hard time adjusting with us at first,” George said as they both watched Alexander from the sidelines. 

“He hasn’t told me about that part of himself yet,” John said. “I hope to hear it someday.” 

“He’s never invited anyone in one of these parties,” the taller man said. “Granted, events like these are pretty overwhelming and Alexander never really appreciated it whenever he was associated remotely close to ‘wealth’.” 

“That’s Alex for you,” John said, smiling fondly. “He gets really excited about coupons as well.” 

“He got that from Martha,” George said. “They used to spend Sunday afternoons looking for some. I had to remind them that we didn’t need to buy something for the sake of using the coupon but I did get some black slacks for the price of two.” 

John snorted. “Oh of course.” 

“You’re nothing like your father,” Washington says, offhandedly. It almost caught him off guard. “He’s very self-motivated and I could never hold a proper conversation with him, Schuyler thinks the same. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not like him.” 

“Thanks, sir. It would be my biggest nightmare if i was.” John felt light. He felt okay. 

“Excuse me for a moment, I do think Martha is calling for me,” George said. “She would love to meet you soon at a proper family dinner, one where we actually sit down and eat.” 

“Looking forward to it,” John said. 

“If you want some air, the balcony upstairs is open to you.” 

He decided to take George’s offer as he disappeared from the party, opting to just step out onto the balcony he found shortly after two minutes of wandering. The night air bit on his cheeks and the stars had somehow shown themselves today. He had forgotten about the hostile man when Washington had talked to him but it still didn’t erase the fact that he was left both offended and confused. 

“Hey you.” 

John turned and smiled. “Hey, _soldatino_.” 

“Sorry I was gone for like...” 

“An hour and a half.” 

Alexander smiled, sheepish. “Yes. I should not have done that. This...is new to me.” 

“It is new for me too,” he replied, soft. Alexander had walked closer to him, leaning against the railing with their sides pressed together. “I had fun though. I had a good conversation with Washington.” 

“That’s great,” Alex said. 

“I’m going to say this now,” John said, determined. “Before the champagne wears off.” 

Alex tried but failed to hold back his laugh. “Okay, lover.” 

“I like you a lot,” John said, then groaned. He buried his face in his hands. “God. This is embarrassing. Alexander, I would do anything to make you happy and that’s it.” 

Alexander kissed the spot near John’s ear. “I feel the same way.” 

John looked up with a red face, surging forward to capture Alexander’s lips with his. It was a bit clumsy yet soft at the same time, void of any rush. John could tell that Alex was smiling into the kiss and he could almost hear his soft laugh. Wow.

They were quiet when they pulled apart, choosing to stare out into the city with John’s arm around Alexander’s waist, fingers somehow intertwining together. It was always nice like this. It was always nice when they were together. 

The music had started playing softly in the background and people cheered lightly. It must have been time to dance. John sighed then bit his lip. “Is something wrong, John?” 

“Something had just reminded me of my father awhile ago,” John said, not really lying. “It’s nothing. I’ll forget about it. I just remembered it again. It’s hard to forget where I came from in a setting like this.” 

Alex looked down then back to John, smiling slightly. “We have a way to take your mind off of it.”

“We can’t fuck in the Washingtons’ place, Lex,” John scoffed. 

Alex rolled his eyes. “Come on, they’re about to change the song.” 

“I’m not good at dancing,” he whined but let himself be dragged. “Nor am I good at public stunts like this.” 

“It won’t feel like it.” 

John doesn’t understand this but when Alexander placed his arms around John after guiding John’s arms around his waist with their eyes locking automatically, well, he gets it.

The music is there but the scene is hardly present— not when Alexander holds him this close, not when Alexander looked at him like that. That. He looked at him like he was the brightest star placed in the black blanketed sky, exactly like that. The slight upward curve of his brows and curly smile that assisted it. 

It's like that thing in the movies, right now he can only remember the one in Casper the Friendly Ghost except this time he's sure they're really flying and Alexander is hardly a blond boy with blue eyes but that goatee and shiny green eyes could really take him any day in any way.

“You really look beautiful,” Alexander said softly as if he was trying to keep their illusion safe in glass. 

John knew he was blushing but he felt better knowing that he could blame it on the heat and the alcohol. “You're perfect.”

Alexander grinned, laughing through his surprise when John twirls him then pulls him back—stay close. “Squawk.”

“I am not peacocking right now,” John snorted. “And it's he he he he.”

It's ridiculous, this whole thing, how this romantic scene could not even be ruined by John's imitation of a peacock. John was only an inch taller but close together like this he instantly felt small and protected and like he could be anywhere at anytime but be safe knowing that they were together. He was slightly aware of his surroundings, aware of Lafayette's smile and George's fond expression but he doesn't dwell on it too much because he's trying to soak up the feeling of holding his boyfriend in public. He's glad that they could compromise on physical touch sometimes, glad that he could sate his own slight possessiveness by dancing with John in the middle of the crowded room.

And he could love him, he realized far too quickly. 

“I've never been to any proms before,” Alexander said.

“Why, Alex, are you telling me that I might be your first dance?” John teased.

Alexander chuckled. “I'm saying that you _are_ my first dance, lover. It's almost like a Disney animation.”

John contemplated for a moment, then, softly, he sang. “Everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours. Anything that you desire, anything at all. Everyday I'll take you higher and I'll never let you fall.”

Alex blinked. John's voice wasn't ugly nor was it a Christine Daaé sort of level but, nevertheless, he felt like someone pierced his heart but in a good way. “It really is a Disney animation.”

“The next step is taking over the world.”

“Let's do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any of you guys watch boku no hero? Because that shit is probably the next thing I will write about. It's lethal. 
> 
> Anyway, how'd you like this chapter? It's kinda self indulgent to me because I'm getting busier and busier, I'm praying to god I actually finish this fic because, hey, I actually like this ship aryt. 
> 
> Love you, guys! Thank you for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

It was okay for a bit until it started to rain. 

Alexander watched as raindrops slowly trailed down his window with pursed lips. He noticed the slow accumulating insects by the streetlights, wondering if it could be anything other than what he was expecting. He doesn’t pray but now he feels like he has to. He felt his phone vibrate suddenly, jolting him out of his thoughts.

 

[From: G. Wash.]

There is a storm coming. It’s supposed to be a big one. 

 

[To: G. Wash.]

I can tell.

 

[From: G. Wash.]

Please take care.  
Have someone with you this time.   
It will hit land by the end of this week.

 

He stuffed his phone back in his pocket and continued to look out his window, pretending like there is nothing to be concerned about. Alexander would have to deal with this quietly, John isn’t someone he thought of as equipped to handle something like this. It wasn’t a personal offense but he just doesn’t see John being able to handle him at point blank the lowest he can ever be, he wanted to ease him into his own issues. 

With that thought in mind, another vibrate jolted him out of his thoughts. He quietly looked at his phone again. 

 

[From: John]

They say it’s cuddle weather  
Can I come over?

 

Alexander frowned. He _wanted_ nothing more than for John to be by his side and hold him but he feels his walls rise. He doesn’t want John to know him like that, not yet. John’s not ready yet. 

[To: John]

Later. I have a lot of work to do. 

 

[From: John]

Alright. 

 

Alexander stared at his phone screen for a few more seconds before he stuffed his phone back in his pocket. He closed the curtains, made sure that not even a sliver of light could peak through. He sat in front of his desk and opened his laptop. He willed his hands to type anything, to take him anywhere but here.

* * *

John looked at his phone with a frown. Alexander hadn’t contacted him once after rejecting him when he asked if he could come over. They, of course, had their alone time but they would usually at least contact one another even if it was just sending a stupid link to a cat video so what’s changed now? 

He’d voiced this problem out to Herc who, in turn, invited Alexander and Laf out for some drinks, promising that it was just one bottle. It’s come to this then. It’s come to the point where John had to internally scream as he sat in the booth waiting if his own boyfriend would appear. He tried his best to keep up with the conversation Laf and Herc had interjected. He was sure it was something about the lesbian sex scene with that blue haired girl and how it was very “male gaze-y” but he kept slipping in and out of focus. 

“Hey.”

His head snapped up to see a very tired looking Alexander. He looked like he’d age a couple years with how dark the bags under his eyes were. It’s been only two days. What has happened? 

“You look like shit,” Herc said, passing him a bottle. 

Alex scoffed, catching the bottle coolly. “I appreciate it.” 

“How have...you been?” John asked as if suddenly forgetting how to interact with him.

“Been better,” came the cold reply. 

John frowned, looking down then at Laf who seemed to be confused. “So...the male gaze?” 

“Right,” Lafayette said, easily picking up where he left off. Alexander was looking away from them at that point, chin propped up on his hand. He didn’t seem that enthusiastic to be here, opting to just stare out the window as if he just wanted to bolt out of here. 

The skies were better than yesterday but it was still gloomy. This was probably what they called ‘the calm before the storm’. If he looked at Alexander now, it’s maybe the most fitting quote. John wanted nothing more than for Alex to just annoying the hell out of him or touch him or _anything_ but now Alex was just somewhere in the distance. 

“I was thinking of a new drawing for Lim,” John brought up, hoping work would coax him out of it. 

“Yeah?” Alex muttered, only turning an inch away from the window but still not actually looking at John. 

“Maybe I could have your input on it? I’ve made maybe ten,” John said, feeling hopeful at this point. 

Alexander frowned. “Maybe another time, it’s only adding unnecessary stress right now. I don’t need it.” 

In any other day, Alex would be ecstatic to see anything drawn or made by John so maybe the interest has worn off. “Oh okay then so how’s your blog?” 

“S’fine.” He didn’t elaborate. 

John chewed on his lip. “Hey.” 

There was something in his tone that made Alexander finally look at him. “What.” 

“I miss you.” It’s the beer. Thank god for the beer. “Why are you so distant?” 

“It’s not—-” a loud clap of thunder, seemingly from nowhere, interrupted him. John watched as the look on Alexander’s face turned cold. “It’s nothing you should concern yourself with. I...I forgot I had to meet someone. I’ll see you guys another time.” 

“Alex,” Herc said. “You didn’t even drink.” 

Alexander looked at his bottle of beer. “Sorry. I should go.” 

“Wait, Alex,” Laf called out but the man had already left.

John watched him go.

He felt defeated.

* * *

Alexander had grown increasingly distant in just the span of a few days and it’s very unnerving for John. He was trapped in his own mind, trying to think if he had done something wrong. If he had said something wrong during the party or when they went out for coffee after that day. He seemed happy during that time. What had happened? 

He thought they were doing well. 

Weren’t they supposed to take over the world together? 

“Laurens,” Remi spat. 

John stiffened, then relaxed. “Rem.” 

“Focus,” Remi said, then shot him a look of confusion mixed with concern. “You’re falling behind.” 

“Sorry, sorry,” John muttered, shaking his head. 

Blond John frowned at him. “You okay?” 

“No. Yeah. I’m fine,” John said. “I might just be tired.” 

They continued to practice and John tried his very best to keep up and mask his slip ups. He didn’t want to upset anyone with his own mood. He swiftly contemplated if he worked better when he was detached as compared to now where he obviously held deep connections with a lot of people, especially Alexander. 

He was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice Angelica dragging Alexander in the apartment as well as his own fingers stuttering with each chord change. Remi let out a low groan before he stopped playing. 

“We should take a break,” Remi said, shooting a worried look at John. 

Blond shot nodded. “Cool with me.” 

“Yeah,” John said, sounding faded. He put his guitar down and when he finally looked up that’s when he finally saw Alexander eyeing him curiously. John gave him a tired smile but was too scared to see the response so he looked away at the last second and made his way towards the couch. He simply tried to focus on his phone, choosing not to look when the space beside him dipped. 

“You okay?” Alexander asked.

John looked at him, searching. “I’m fine. Sorry.” 

“Why are you saying sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong,” Alex said. 

“Right. Sorry.” John winced. 

Alex frowned. “Okay.” 

John found himself waiting for Alex to touch him in any way, to close the gap but it never came. He was being too emotional right now, wasn’t he? He took a deep breath and then exhaled. What is happening? 

“Hey Alex,” Peggy said, sitting on the floor across them. “Haven’t seen you since the party.” 

“Been busy,” Alex shrugged. 

Angelica looked at him weirdly. “With what?” 

“Work. You know I’m busy,” Alexander said, voice uncharacteristically tight. He stiffly placed his glass of water on the coffee table and then leaned back a little.

If anyone noticed something was off, they didn’t point it out. Remi looked out the window and huffed. “The weather is disgusting.” 

“They said there’ll be a storm,” Blond John says, tying his hair. 

Peggy frowned. “Hope it doesn’t hit too hard. I dislike thunder.” 

“With how much you’ve been going to gigs I doubt it’ll be as loud for you as before,” Angelica teased. 

“It’s a good thing we don’t have a gig this week,” Peggy said. 

John sighed, trying to relax but he can’t seem to stop shaking his damn leg. “We should hoard food then. They predict it’s going to set a record.” 

“Bring it on,” Blond John said coolly. 

Angelica chuckled. “Bring it on but you won’t be able to skateboard around the city.” 

“That’s a fun challenge.”

John frowned at Alexander who was continuously scratching his right arm since the conversation started. It was then that he saw, the slight hint of insanity behind his eyes. It was like he was screaming but not out loud. It was deafening. What was wrong? “Hey, Alex, I saw this writing contest today.” 

“What about it?” 

Peggy looked to Angelica who looked to John. “You might just be interested.” 

“No, John, I’m busy.” 

Something in John clicked. _Busy._ “What....what the hell is your problem?” 

“I’m always so damn stressed and you hardly ever notice, only ever just asking to come over, well, newsflash, John. I don’t have time for all this bull,” Alexander snapped. 

John grit his teeth. “Busy doing what, Alex? Tell me then.” 

Alexander bolted up, knocking over his glass of water. He was about to say something else but then he choked and looked down, noticing that his leg was wet. He remained silent, clenching and unclenching his fists as he took a deep shaky breath. John was about to reach out to him.

Then, lightning.

Alexander violently flinched before he grabbed his bag and made his way to the door. He didn’t trust his voice so he simply stormed out. John followed quickly. “Alex, talk to me. What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Alex said, quickening his pace. 

“You’re lying to me.” 

“John, stop.” 

“No.” 

Alex stopped abruptly and face him. It wasn’t an expression John thought he’d ever see on Alexander. Fear. “Leave me the fuck alone, Laurens. I don’t need this right now.” 

John, too surprised and hurt to move, watched him go.

* * *

Alexander was lit only by the light of his laptop and the only sound he could hear was the continuous Mozart compositions on blast in his earphones. He tried to get away. He needed to.

But his hands still shook and his eyes still darted towards the windows and the doors. He tried to convince himself that a storm in this kind of modern setting won’t kill him, he’s gone so far. It’s hard to kill him but Death is a familiar friend of his that lurks just beyond the shadows. Alexander really believes that Death can’t wait to finally meet him. 

No. 

No.

No.

He needed to get through this. He had to. There was no other choice but to live despite the fact that he can’t seem to find any proper reason to. God. He just wanted to be okay again. He wanted to seep back into the memory of dancing with John in the middle of the mansion. 

Oh, John. He wondered if this was it, if he had pushed too hard. Would John understand? Would John come back? 

Abandonment isn’t a new concept to him. It intoxicates you from the inside out until you finally just learn to live with the emptiness of it all. The imaginary weight that pulls down from your shoulders down to your chest and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t lift himself up. 

He stopped typing and leaned back. 

He was going to die. 

This was it, wasn’t it?

* * *

John felt faded and odd. The rain had become stronger and the news had been non-stop about the storm that was presumably a day away from landfall. His phone was left on the kitchen countertop, untouched. There was no point. He was too down to accept commissions and Alexander was the only one he consistently talked to or would want to talk to. 

The TV droned on in the background as he stared at the blank canvas in front of him. It was every artist’s enemy—-a blank canvas. He wanted to paint something, something that he was feeling but he just felt heavy and lost. He picked up the paint brush, dipped it in red and swiped across the white angrily. The TV droned on in the background lazily, contrasting with John’s angry grunts against red and yellow tones. 

He wasn’t angry at Alexander, he was angry at himself and the circumstances. It was so perfect. It was so great. What now? He fucking missed his boyfriend and as much as he hated being the little spoon, he missed it when Alexander held him because then at least he knew Alexander was expressing his own fondness. 

_Leave me the fuck alone, Laurens._

John slammed his paintbrush down, trying to get a hold of himself. He was losing himself again. He can’t afford this. He stood and made his way towards his fridge. He had a headache and he wasn’t about to sit and ride with it so he decided to just settle it with an Advil. 

Are him and Alex over now? 

Was that the case? 

They never said anything though, they never confirmed. 

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

“John?” 

John rushed to open the door to reveal Eliza. “Eliza, what’s wrong? Did I miss another band practice?” 

“Is...is Alex here?” She asked. 

“No, why would he be?” John asked. “He...he and I aren’t great at the moment.” 

Eliza pursed her lips. “I know I told him I’d stay away for a bit but it’s the storm.” 

“What about the storm?” 

Eliza looked surprised. “You don’t know?” 

“If you could so kindly tell me, then,” John said, trying not to sound too harsh. “Sorry. It’s just...he’s not talking to me.” 

“Alexander doesn’t do well when there’s a storm,” Eliza said. “It isn’t my place to say, but John, he needs you right now.”

“He told me to leave him alone,” John argued. 

Eliza shook her head. “At least check on him.”

John looked down then nodded. “I should probably bring food then, huh?” 

“It’s a must,” she said, joking through her frantic mood. “Thanks, John.” 

“Not a big deal.” 

John went from walking to basically jogging through the rain with only his backpack and oversized hoodie. Alexander’s place wasn’t that far but somehow it felt that way, probably the fact that the raindrops pelted against him. His worry grew worse as he got closer to Alex’s apartment. He didn’t know what to expect. Everything had been such a smack in the face.

What would even happen when he knocked on his door? Would he be shunned? Would he be rejected? Would this just be a catalyst to their end? It was too soon. 

Whatever. 

The door was in front of him now. He raised his fist and knocked, softly at first then loudly when three minutes had passed. John eyed the doorknob and turned it, surprised that it wasn’t locked. He opened the door slowly, scared by how dark it was. He could hear light noise in the quiet but it was overpowered by the rain. 

“Alex?” He said, seeing the boy hunched over his laptop. The noise, he realized was coming from Alexander’s earphones. John placed his backpack down before slowly going towards Alex. “Alexander.” 

John gently placed his hand on Alexander’s wrist, making the man jolt and look at him wildly. Alexander, he realized, had been crying. He knelt down in front of him and slowly tried to reach out for the earphones. Alexander shook his head. “Not...not safe. Why are you here?” 

He didn’t need to respond for Alex to understand that he was here to check on him and to be with him. 

“You’re wet.” Alexander couldn’t hear himself so he was louder than usual. “You’ll get sick.”

John shook his head but Alexander looked so pale. 

“Did you bring clothes?” 

“No.” 

“I’ll lend you my clothes. Why did you come here? Why did you get rained on? You’re gonna get sick, John. Damn it.” Alexander rushed into this bedroom and threw his closet door open, throwing boxers, a sweaters, and some shorts in John’s arms before going out the room. When John had finished changing, Alexander was in the same position. “You really shouldn’t be here. You can go now.” 

John stood firmly beside him, taking Alexander’s hand and facing it so that his palm was upwards. He slowly wrote on Alex’s palm using his index finger. “N O.” 

“What do you mean ‘no’?” Alexander snapped. “I don’t want you here.” 

“W H Y ?” It’s so ridiculous to argue in this manner but Alex refused to remove his earphones. 

“Because I’m busy.” 

“R E A L R E A S O N.” 

“That is the reason.” 

“N O.” 

“John, can’t you just go?” Alexander sounded so tired that John almost wavered. 

“Tell me that it’s over then, say it out loud,” John snapped, voice loud enough to combat the noise from his earphones. 

Alexander stood up and opened his mouth, daring, but then closed it shut when he finally looked into John’s eyes. He clutched the front of John’s sweater. John felt him shaking. He took Alexander’s hands and held it in his, pulling him lightly and led him to the bedroom. He made sure to close the door behind him.

Thunder boomed and Alexander flinched, clumsily trying to burrow in John’s chest. John put some space in between them before closing the space once they were properly lying down. John’s tentative arms somehow found their way around Alexander’s waist, his chin placed on top of Alexander’s head. The latter had managed to burrow even deeper in John’s chest as if he wanted to disappear. 

It was a bit random but John finally recognized the noise from Alexander’s earphones as one of Mozart’s compositions. John took his index fingers on Alexander’s back and spelled: S A F E. 

He felt Alexander hold him tighter. 

I A M H E R E. 

John didn’t know how long they stayed like that, Alexander pressed into him and his own hands growing sweaty from laying flat on Alex’s back. He was afraid to move, afraid it would make Alexander panic. He honestly didn’t know what was happening but he’s glad that Alex is breathing normally and has stopped shaking.

Minutes may have turned into hours and his arms and legs were numb, not to mention that his back was screaming in pain but Alexander seemed to feel better and that was what mattered. It was worth it after all. 

“Sorry,” Alexander said softly. The music he was playing had stopped. 

John finally removed his hand from Alex’s back and raked his fingers through Alexander’s hair. “For what?” 

“Pushing you away,” Alexander said. “I thought you weren’t ready to see me like this.”

John shook his head. “I understand, Alex, but please don’t do that again. I want to know if you’re alright...if we’re alright.” 

“We are...I just...” 

“Okay.” 

Alexander sighed. “Sorry.” 

“Have you eaten?” 

“No,” he replied. “I can’t hold anything down right now. I drank water though.” 

“Let’s eat later, something light so it’s easier for you to hold down.” 

“Okay. You’re not sick?” 

“No.”

There was another type of silence that surrounded them. John wasn’t quite sure whether they were on the same page now but seeing that Alexander was willing to be held like this means that there’s not much to be worried about. He’s just glad he managed to bring saltine crackers with him and he hoped that Alex would be able to eat it and keep it in. 

“It’s going to get worse,” Alexander suddenly said. “Me and the storm.” 

“I’ll be here.” 

“Is that a promise?” He almost sounds childish as he says it.

“It is.” 

Another beat of silence. 

“I was born in Nevis,” Alex started to say. John didn’t want to interrupt, he’s known basic facts about it but never the full story. “There was a huge storm that hit our island and my mom and I were sick so it was impossible for both of us to do anything. I was in and out of consciousness and everytime I opened my eyes my mom would be awake and watching over me. I...I don’t want to prolong this. When the storm had wrecked my house, I blacked out. When I woke up again, officials were trying to pry me off of my mom. She had died holding me in the middle of the storm.” 

“I’m sorry, Alex.” 

“I’m fine now but I never really got over my fear of storms,” Alexander said. “Only the Washingtons know about this...well, Eliza knows too but it was accidental.” 

“Thank you for telling me.”

“I have been trying to keep it in this week but I guess I just ended up hurting you in the end.” 

“It wasn’t okay,” John admitted. “But, you know, we’ll get through this.”

It’s the usage of ‘we’ that made Alexander feel warm. “What made you come here?” 

“Aside from worry? Eliza went to my apartment and told me to go to you,” John said. 

Alexander nodded. “We need to send her a gift basket.” 

“What era are we in?” 

“Am-era-ica?” 

“Honestly, shut up.” 

Alexander snickered, burying his face in the crook of John’s neck. “Sorry I was an ass.”

“We’re okay now, Lex,” John said. “Don’t worry about it anymore.” 

“I—-” A loud clap of thunder interrupted him. He had almost forgotten about the storm. He began to shake again. “Nevermind.” 

John took it upon himself to hide both of them underneath the duvet covers, smiling as Alexander pulled away because he couldn’t breathe. Alex was currently drowning in fabric and readjusted himself so that they were both comfortable. “Nothing can hurt us now.”

“If the roof concaves—-” 

“The blanket will stiffen because it’ll get frightened.” 

“If the windows shatter—-”

“The blanket is practically a curtain that isn’t excited.” 

“If the storm literally knocks at the door...”

“I locked the doors and I’m too lazy to get out for anyone unless it’s you.” 

“I’m convinced.” 

“Glad that you are.”

“My dearest one—” 

“Hmm?” 

“My darling dear, your mighty words astound me but I’ve no need of mighty deeds when I feel your arms around me.” 

“That movie was sad as hell.” 

“He really didn’t have to die.” 

“Ugh. _Honestly._ ” 

Alexander huffed a laugh, breath tickling John’s nose. 

“Can I ask you something?”

Alex looked at him, curious. “What is it?” 

“What happened after the storm?” 

“Ah,” he said, trailing off a bit. “I wrote. A lot. I wrote until my fingers bled then I’d have to cover my hands because blood would drip on paper and make me rewrite and papers were scarce. It was then that I started my blog. There was one computer in that whole island and the shop keeper that owned it would allow me to use it if I cleaned his house and his shop. He was very old so he needed the extra hand and I was very desperate. The money I gained from my blog was never much but I managed to scrape up spare change to finally go to America. I was entered in an orphanage since I was 15 at the time and that’s when I met the Washingtons.” 

“I can’t believe I was reading your blogs all the while not knowing the tragedies that had happened behind it.” 

“I didn’t want to be known for my sob story.” 

“But it’s not...” 

“I know.” 

“You’re amazing, _mio soldatino._ ” 

“I’m in my early 20s now and I have a stable life and you.” 

John smiled. “You do.” 

Hours passed by and the storm grew worse. The windows creaked as the wind blew on it. Alexander had put on his earphones again, curling up into John as he softly counted to ten and back in both french and english. John was tracing random patterns on the other man’s back, trying to slow his breathing so that Alexander may copy it.

Alexander felt immensely pinned down, it’s as if the blanket and the arm that wrapped around him were ten times the weight it actually was. He couldn’t move for fear of breaking anything or something, he couldn’t speak because there are no words that can be formed, and he couldn’t listen to anything other than the white noise of ‘coffee shop noises’ that played into his ears. 

He was still quite anxious of how John had come here dripping wet from the rain. What if he got sick? What if he got hurt? Nevermind that now because here he was holding him. What more could be done now? John’s slow breathing was in complete contrast to his, he tried to mimic it but he was too distracted by the pain of muscle stiffness. 

_Respira._

He thought back to when he decided to never show John this side of him because he thought John wasn’t ready but here John was holding him so firmly and trying to figure how to be there for him. It wasn’t John that was not ready, it was Alexander. He thought it’d be too much to handle. He didn’t want to be left behind. 

The room wasn’t lit, they never turned on the lights, so it was very prominent when lightning made itself show and seep through the blinds followed by a loud clap of thunder. The blanket wasn’t thick enough to block the light. It was enough to rattle him.

Suddenly, it wasn’t John holding him. It was a woman that seemed to be in her early 40s. She looked so tired but she was smiling at him, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. Her hold was tight around him, seemingly afraid they’d be pulled apart by a mere gust of wind. 

“ _Mamá._ ”

She smiled, then disappeared to reveal John.

“Alex, it’s me,” he said. 

“Oh.” 

“Your apartment. New York City.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Why don’t you try to sleep, love?” 

“Do you feel okay?” Alexander said, instead. “Are you sick?” 

“I’m completely fine,” John said. “Sleep.” 

“I don’t want to wake up to you dead.” 

“You won’t.” 

“Be here, okay?” 

“I’ll be here.”

It took two hours of pretending to be asleep before he actually finally fell asleep. The random patterns John traced helped, the way his breath hit his forehead worked even better.

* * *

When Alexander woke up, he was confused if a pillow had replaced John but the pillow was, in fact, John who had just pulled him closer so that he could use his phone while still holding onto him. He was content to maybe pretend he was asleep for much longer since he really didn’t want to move, even if it was just an inch.

“You’re awake,” John said, suddenly the tapping on his phone stopped. “You can pretend to sleep more if you want. The weather has been calm so there shouldn’t be any trouble.” 

Alexander didn’t respond, didn’t even move. The only downside to John wearing his clothes is that he couldn’t smell John’s scent. It was usually this clean smelling cologne that someone gave him randomly or maybe Irish Spring because that’s the soap he used but it was barely there. 

A random thought suddenly clicked. 

“You called me ‘love’,” Alexander muttered. 

John snorted. “What? What did you dream about?”

“I definitely did not dream that,” Alex said. 

“Sure thing, Ham,” John said.

Alexander rolled his eyes. “Heathen.” 

It was a small slip up. John had still continuously scrolled through his phone but his mind was a bit of a flurry and damn his cheeks were red, he’s glad that Alex couldn’t see his face right now. He absolutely remembered calling Alexander ‘love’ at one point in the night and it’s not like it was a mistake but during that moment he felt so soft and protective. He just wanted to hold him forever. 

“You going to sleep again?” 

“Mhmm,” came the soft hum, barely even audible. 

“Sleep well, love.” 

“I fucking knew it.” 

The next time Alexander woke up properly was because of a nightmare. It was the recurring one about Ursula, his mom, and the storm. It used to only happen during his childhood ‘til it started to only happen when there was a storm happening. It still made him really sick. Ursula was not half bad but Alexander could somehow still smell the decay and the rot. 

The storm was clamoring again but this time he couldn’t hear it due to the pounding of his ears. He ran from the bed to the toilet, starting to dry heave as he did so. He hasn’t eaten anything at all so all that came up was a lot of pain, _what the fuck is happening to me_ , and maybe a bit of gastric juices. 

_Yum._

When Alexander had stopped, he sat on the bathroom floor and stared into the darkness. He only winced when the lights suddenly turned on. He didn’t have to look to know that a very dishevelled John stood by the door frame. He simply shook his head, tried to stand but failed. 

“Sorry I woke you up,” Alexander muttered. 

John shrugged. “It was hard not to you. You head butted my chin.” 

Alexander let out a shy laugh. “Sorry about that.”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” John said. “Are you able to stand?” 

He shook his head. “In a minute.” 

“Do you want me to help?” 

“No thank you and could you not...look?” 

“I’ll wait for you in the bedroom with a glass of water and some crackers. Do you want anything else?”

“Can you turn off the lights?” 

“Sure,” he said, followed by a click and darkness. He heard him walk away and go out farther into the living room, rummaging something his back shortly after. Meanwhile, Alexander slowly stood up and faced himself in the mirror. It wasn’t pitch black darkness so he could still kind of see his face. 

He sighed then splashed some water in his face before brushing his teeth. He’d sooner die than subject John to his bad breath. When he felt good enough to go out, John was sat up in bed with his front lit by the light of his drawing tablet. He was probably doodling.

“Hi,” Alexander said weakly as he climbed next to him. 

 

John circled his arm gently under Alexander’s then around so he could hold his tablet. “Hello, you feeling good enough to drink water and eat a bit?”

“Cuddle,” he whined. 

“Please?” 

“One condition.” 

“Oh god.”

“Call me ‘love’ again.” 

“Hmmm okay good night.” 

“Aw, come on.” 

John snorted. “I despise this blackmail.”

“It’s called ‘convincing power’.”

“Really? I’m not convinced.” Alex started to laugh but it soon turned into a groan as he curled into himself. John put his tablet away and faced Alex. “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

“My stomach just hurts,” Alexander said. “No big deal, dear.” 

“Uhuh, right,” he said, deadpan. He slowly took the glass of water and a packet of saltine crackers from the floor and then gently handed the glass to Alexander, making sure that the latter had full grip on it before he let go. Alex gulped it down slowly but managed to finish the whole glass. He was anxious that John might hurry him up but John was patiently waiting all the while watching him closely. When he was done, he traded the glass for the saltine crackers.

“Is the storm finally over?” 

John shook his head. “The wind is still strong but the thunder and lightning have finally stopped.”

“We’ve gone through the worst part then,” Alexander sighed. “I guess I didn’t get that bad...maybe it’s ‘cause you made me sleep.” 

John looked at him oddly. “Vomiting isn’t the extreme?” 

“Nope,” he said. He opened the packet of crackers and slowly nibbled on it, shooting John a curious look when he caught the man smiling at him. “What?” 

“You look like a rabbit,” he said, then his eyes widened. “ _Oh my god._.” 

“What?” 

He watched as John bolted sidewards to get his tablet before he half hung his body on the side of the bed like a piece of clothing. He had placed his tablet on the floor as he drew. It was such an odd angle that Alexander kind of just rolled his eyes and worked on his cracker. _He is so not a rabbit._

“I know what you’re thinking.”

“That my boyfriend might actually be malfunctioning?” 

“No, well, yes,” John said. “You’re thinking that I am the most handsome man you’ve ever met.” 

“I mean I don’t know about that I _have_ met Jason Momoa’s cardboard cut out,” Alexander said. 

“If you were to ever cheat on me it would be with him and him only,” John said. “And mine would be Neil Patrick Harris.” 

Alexander scoffed. “Hey okay that’s actually fucking attainable ‘cause he’s gay.” 

“Are you jealous that I might cheat on you with Neil Patrick Harris?” John chuckled. 

“A fucking bit.” 

John snorted. “Aw, Lex, you know I...damn it.” 

“I know you what? Finish it, man.” 

“I forgot what I was going to say.”

“Are you kidding me.”

“I’m serious!” John sat up with his tablet in hand. “But hey I’m done.”

“With what?”

John showed him his tablet and Alexander saw a cute little rabbit resting on top of a turtle. He tried to stop himself from smiling with every fiber of his being but he just couldn’t help himself. “Wow. I can’t believe everything you do just makes me happy.” 

John pursed his lips oddly. “I always wonder how you just say everything so bluntly like that.”

“It’s a me thing I guess.”

“Don’t you ever want that from me?” 

Alexander shrugged. “I would then you do stuff like this and, y’know, I guess you just say it best when you say nothing.” 

“Ah.” 

“Hey, you know that I appreciate the things you do for me, right?” 

John sighed. “There you go again just bluntly telling me what you think and it makes me happy already.” 

“Do you want me to...lessen it?” 

“No.” 

“We show our affection differently,” Alexander said. “It’s nothing to get upset over. We’re okay.” 

“We’re okay.” 

“We’ll take over the world, remember?” 

John let out a soft laugh, a small smile growing on his lips. “Definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~~
> 
> I've been busy with my college stuff, I'm actually about to have my thesis defense in 14 days and I've still yet to finish my shit. I've touched my laptop once during this whole week since I spend my nights at school already but anyway here's another chapter!!!


	8. Chapter 8

Maybe it didn’t start in this exact moment, maybe it started in the very beginning but everything will change now.

Alexander was in the middle of uploading his scheduled article when his phone rang. He looked at the Caller ID thinking it odd that Remi was calling him randomly. Remi was never one to contact him or to start a conversation with him without proper reason.

“Rem?” Alexander said as he answered. 

He heard Remi take a deep breath. “Yo, Alex.” 

“What’s up?” 

“Don’t panic.” 

“I’ll have to talk to you about how that’s not a way to make a person calm but do go on.” 

“I’m at the hospital with John.”

“ _I’m not calm at all, Jeremiah Schuyler._ ” 

“John was being a dumbass.” 

“I’m sure he was,” he seethed as he stood up and grabbed his coat. It’s a miracle that he was actually sort of dressed right now. “Which hospital? I’m on my way there. He better not be dead.” 

“He’s not dead,” Remi said, sounding a bit like he was trying to calm a wild animal. “He’s more or less fine. We’re in that hospital you went to that one time you were drunk.” 

“More or less isn’t good enough,” Alexander said, already out of his apartment. He had almost forgotten his keys had he not done a quick ‘pat down check’. “What exactly happened to my boyfriend?”

“He—-ah, wait, Alex, I gotta go right now. You’ll see when you got here.” 

“You piece of poop.” 

“See you!”

Alexander felt like it was the longest taxi ride of his life, he was already imagining himself growing wings and flying to the hospital. The more the taxi stopped, the more his thoughts raced—-one after the other, all the theories of what could have happened to John. Was he ill after all after that day he got rained on? He seemed fine afterwards. He even ate a lot of sweets. 

Did he fall in a manhole? 

Did he choke on a Cheeto? 

Did he blind himself with a guitar string? 

Did a pot fall from a balcony and onto his head?

Oh god. There are too many things. 

Alexander would like to think that he’s the calmest he’s ever been when he went to the front desk and asked for either a Schuyler or a Laurens but the way the lady looked at him was enough indication that maybe he was just slightly losing his marbles. 

He loved the smell of hospitals, always so clean and clear cut. It was weird. It just smelled like clear glass for some reason. He can’t focus on it to much though because he bursted into what he assumed was John’s room. John was on the bed with a bandaged arm resting on his chest and his other hand scrolling through his phone. Remi was awfully close beside him, eyes looking soft around the edges as he fumbled around John.

John looked up and grinned. “Hey, Lex.” 

“Do not,” Alex breathed. “Do not ‘hey, lex’ me right now.” 

John frowned and was about to say something but Alexander had already rushed by his side and wrapped him in a soft hug. “I’m not dying.” 

Alexander still hadn’t let go. “I’m kind of crying right now, I’ll let you go when I finally get a grip.” 

John laughed. “Alright.” 

“What happened?” 

“Got hit by a motorcycle.” 

“Oh my god.” 

“I’m fine, Alex,” John said, putting away his phone before he placed his hand on Alexander’s back. “ _Estoy bien. No te preocupes._ ” 

Alexander didn’t respond. 

“ _Lo siento, mio soldatino_ ,” John said. “For worrying you.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Alexander said, slowly letting John go but keeping one hand on top of John’s hand. “How did that even happen?”

“I...err..”

“John?” 

Remi rolled his eyes. “He didn’t look both ways.” 

Alexander’s worried face turned into that of annoyance. “Are you serious?” 

“I was in my head,” John shrugged. “It’s really not that big deal.” 

Alexander inhaled deeply, trying not to get mad but failing. One thing is for sure, he won’t raise his voice or demean him. He had to remind himself that he’s talking to an adult with the same brain capacity as him. “Please remember to take care of yourself.” 

“Sorry. I will,” John said, looking worried as he watched Alexander carefully. “I’m sorry.” 

Alexander shook his head. “You really don’t have to apologize.” 

“Okay I’m....yeah.”

Alexander looked to Rem. “Thanks for being there.”

Rem shrugged. “It’s not a problem.”

“So...what’s the damage?” 

“My poor choice coping mechanisms,” John deadpanned. “I braced myself as I hit the ground so I skinned my arm and dislocated my shoulder but that’s about it. She wasn’t going fast, just fast enough to make me tumble and kinda almost dislocate my hips.” 

“Oh no not your hips,” Alex gasped mockingly.

John raised his brow. “ _Really?_ ” 

“Please no sex talk,” Remi groaned. “I am, in fact, still here.” 

John gave him a look that Alex couldn’t quite figure out but he saw Remi retaliate with a wide smirk. “Shut up, Rem.” 

“I wasn’t even saying anything!” 

“I will genuinely relocate my shoulder to slap you,” John said.

Remi laughed as Alexander watched confused. He decided to just shrug it off and step closer into John’s little space, enough so that it could make him happy and enough so that John still had his requirement of space. He fished out his phone from his pocket, internally groaning as he missed his strict upload schedule. He quickly shot a text to one of his writers, telling them to upload ahead so as to buy him time before he could get back to his laptop and finish it. 

“Hey,” John said, catching Alexander off guard with how different the tone was. “I want your attention.” 

Alexander blinked, confused. John had never said that before. “I don’t....understand.” 

Remi snorted. “The painkillers have just taken effect I think. John has a strong tolerance for the common ones so they had to give him a strong one this time but it still took a while to actually affect him.” 

“God. I told you to stop drinking painkillers whenever you had a headache,” Alexander said. John just smiled. “John?” 

“I was imitating the sound a tree makes when it hits the ground and nobody is there to hear it.”

Alexander stared at him. “He doesn’t really...seem any different.” 

“Yup,” Remi agreed. “Except, John, a tree still makes a sound when it hits the ground and nobody is there to see it. It’s called logic and science.” 

“It’s called logic and science,” John repeated mockingly.

“Alright, I’ll get the doctor,” Remi said as he stood up. 

“Can they get me whatever’s he had?” 

Remi gave him a look as he opened the door. “You might genuinely talk me to death.” 

Alexander stuck his tongue out when Remi went out the door, features softening once more once he faced John again. He was discharged an hour later, effects finally going down but Alex still didn’t trust the both of them to safely take the train home so he just took the taxi to John’s place. One thing he couldn’t figure out...was the way Remi had looked at John before he had disturbed the scene. 

“Lex.” 

“What?” Alexander sat up straight and looked at John who was in the middle of removing his shoes. “Sorry I was out of it.”

“Yeah no kidding, you stopped talking in the middle of a sentence.” 

“Did I?” Alexander asked. “Where was I?”

“I don’t know, I stopped listening along the lines of Rachel should have ended up with Joey but I’m not sure,” John said.

“Okay so—-”

“Oh my god.” 

“ —- literally their—-”

“Where is my advil?” 

“John,” Alexander said. “ _No._ ” 

John frowned. “They’re exaggerating, I don’t overdo my pain medication.” 

“They’re professionals for a reason, I just don’t want you to hurt yourself,” Alexander said. 

“This is bullshit,” John groaned. 

Alexander tilted his head. “Shall I cuddle you then?” 

“That’s more for you than me, isn’t it?” John said, giving him an unimpressed look. 

“Eh...so?” 

“Can you play with my hair while you’re at it?” 

Alexander tried to bite his lip to hold off his smile but failed. “No problem, my boo.”

“Do not call me that.” 

“As I was saying, they are better together because Joey actually treated Rachel like a person rather than a love interest, you know?” 

John sighed, looking up as if he were asking an entity as to why this had been the topic of choice. It was as if you could see the stages of grief just flicker across his face in a span of a second. “Ross really isn’t that great. He treats her so poorly and not even as a friend, just something to chase.”

“Exactly, I...”

They disappeared in the bedroom together, talking turning into hushed murmurs.

* * *

Alex had been shit at communicating lately, getting all caught up with his work and forgetting about a life outside of his own home. He had always looked at people with lovers and wondered if they thought about their respective partners a lot but not that that he’s in this position he can safely say that he thought about John maybe twice or ten times a day but it all depended on his free time. 

He had left John to his own devices, seeing his boyfriend slowly sink into a hole of work and inspiring Alex to do the same as well. He made sure to feed him though before he left otherwise he would never have his peace of mind. 

What worried him was that maybe John would grow a bit frustrated with his minor handicap, he knew how easily frustrated he could get sometimes. He also worried about his self induced immunity to common pain relievers. He hadn’t really noticed just how fast John would reach for the medication whenever he had headaches and he had headaches almost all of the time.

When he really thought about it, Alex hardly knew John. They’ve never reached the part where John opens up but Alexander trusted in the process. He knew that John hated opening up to people, hate the vulnerability that came with it. He once mentioned that he was jealous of people who could cry. 

Alexander paused, noticing how he misspelled another word in the span of twenty minutes. He sighed and leaned back, took a breath, then continued to work. 

He forced down all his thoughts, promising that he would just deal with it as soon as he can. If John really had a problem or if the relationship was suffering then surely either one of them would notice and probe the other to talk...right?

 

Right.

* * *

Alexander decided to drop by at John’s place today, opting the decision as reasonable because he missed his boyfriend and he can now do this whenever he wanted so really it’s just fair fucking game at this point, right? Besides, he needed to make sure that easy-to-frustrate John still hadn’t given up on his arm sling.

“Have you eaten?” Alexander asked as John let him in. 

John chuckled as he closed the door behind them. “I ate some crackers. I was having morning sickness.”

“Who got you up the duff?” 

John cocked a brow. “Alex....up the duff?” 

“Sorry,” Alexander said. “Uh...too much British fics.” 

“Well, whatever that means,” he said. “I’m not pregnant.” 

“How is my favorite boyfriend?” Alexander asked, kissing his cheek before he passed him to put some items on the kitchen counter. 

“I’m your only boyfriend,” John laughed, then paused. “Right? We had an agreement.” 

Alexander winked. “My one and only and that’s why I brought you lasagna.” 

“Is it the vegetable one I like?” 

“Sadly.” 

“We can’t all live off of hotdogs,” John scoffed. 

“And that’s why you’re not me,” Alexander shrugged. “Your complete loss.” 

“Go figure.” 

“How have you been?” 

“Been accepting jobs left and right, I’m excited about them,” John said. 

Alex shot him a look. “Shouldn’t you be resting? You’ve been working non-stop.” 

“I’m fine, Alexander,” John said, smiling. “Not even a dent on me.” 

Alex eyed him cautiously, taking note of the bags under his eyes and his wounded lip (due to his bad habit of lip biting when stressed). He knows John will be stubborn as ever, deflecting whatever Alex had to say. “If you say so.” 

“You don’t believe me,” he said. 

Alexander handed him a plate of lasagna and a fork before walking past him to sit on the couch. “I wanna be with you today.” 

John’s eyes flicked from Alex to his laptop then to nowhere. It was a few seconds of dead air and Alexander felt himself go into fight or flight but then John gave him a smile, settling beside him as he ate his lasagna. “Maybe I’ll indulge myself for a few minutes.” 

“Ah so I’m like...dessert?” Alex smirked. 

John sighed. “Don’t make me roll my eyes, it causes headaches.” 

Alexander kissed John’s temple. “Alright, sour puss—-” 

“Do not call me that.” 

“ —- you got anything for me to read?”

“You left your German Economics During the 1930s here. I think I placed it under the coffee table.” 

Alexander leaned forward and rummaged under the coffee table. “Do you need any help with any of your work?”

“No thanks,” John replied. “I can do it alone.”

“You don’t have to,” Alexander said, finally finding his book and grabbing it. He’s lucky that the bookmark didn’t manage to fall off. “But okay.” 

“Whatever,” John said. “Anyway, did Lim like my sketches?” 

Alexander scowled but resisted to retaliate. “He thought it was fine but I don’t think the neckline is right. You see during the—-”

“I got it.” 

Alexander backtracked a bit as he watched John place his fork down on his bowl. “I’m sorry.” 

“What for,” John said, sounding empty.” 

“Even so...” 

John shook his head, placing his bowl of food on the coffee table in front of them before standing up. “I’ll go re-do them now. Thank you for the food, Alex.” 

“But you hardly...” John’s earphones were on. “....even ate it.” 

Alexander frowned, getting a weird feeling from his gut. He hated to leave him like this but once John makes and places those three layers for his digital sketching, he’s basically unreachable. He looked down at the book he’s opened, frowning at how disturbing the chapter was. 

‘Chapter 1: The End’

* * *

[From: John]  
Hey, Lex

 

[To: John]  
Baby boo

 

{From: John]  
Don’t even   
Anyway  
I can’t push through with date night tonight

[To: John]  
Oh  
That’s okay!

[From: John]  
I’ll make it up to you  
Promise

[To: John]  
What’s got you so tied up?

 

[From: John]  
Work  
I have a lot of revisions

[To: John]  
Alright  
Eat well, darling

 

Alexander sighed as he stuffed his phone back in his pocket, frowning at the stove in front of him. It’s the second time John cancelled their date night with the premise of him being busy. Alex didn’t feel worthy to demand time, always expecting for John to just understand and keep his end of the promise. This time it’s _promises_. 

“What am I going to do with four servings of fried chicken now?”

* * *

Alexander attended Peggy’s gig again after spending a lot of time letting himself just be completely fucked over by work. Lim had sent him five chapters in one go after a sudden strike of inspiration and it would have been okay with Alex had he not just started a ‘post everyday for a month’ thing just to up his productivity. What’s more time consuming is that his posts involve a lot of research since it’s about different conspiracy theories. 

He hasn't seen the light of day.

Alexander squinted at the stage as he slid inside the booth. “Is it me or does John look a little asian.”

Herc looked up from his phone. “That's Ryan, he's a sub for John right now.”

“Oh because John is totally a dom,” Laf interjected.

“I mean he is but like where's John?”

“He said he was too busy so Peggy's friend stepped in for a bit,” Hercules said.

“Odd,” Alex frowned. “He said he’d take a break and be here.” 

Herc shrugged. “Who knows.” 

Then, the music dulled slowly in his ears as thoughts began to make itself known. He hasn’t seen John in more than a week and he hasn’t heard from him in, perhaps, five days. It’s not that he’s clingy but he’s worried that something might be wrong especially since John insisted on being alone despite his one armed dilemma. Had he been a bad boyfriend for not even checking in on John even though his gut told him to? He might just be. 

Alexander excused himself, dazed. The others seemed to be curious but shrugged it off. He decided to take a cab to John’s place, hoping that maybe John would be okay. He still couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt of being so caught up with his own work. He had promised himself that he would get better with managing his time but that social media post was probably right when it said that change isn’t a linear thing. 

When he was finally in front of John’s door, his legs felt weighed down more than usual. This didn’t feel right but it didn’t feel wrong either. Can he be here? 

Before he could decide further, he knocked. 

Once.

Twice. 

Then the door clicked open to reveal John except that maybe it wasn’t. He looked so tired and worn out. His eye bags were darker than the usual and he didn’t smell clean as well. It was like he was left rotting in the confines of his own apartment. 

“Lex,” he croaked. “What are you doing here?” 

“I came to check on you,” he said gently. “I haven’t seen or talked to you in a week.” 

“Well, you’ve seen me,” John said. “You can go now.”

Alexander is surprised by his tone but hides it well. “Have you...have you eaten?” 

John paused, eyes going to the ground. “I’ve eaten.” 

“When.” 

“Does this really concern you?”

“Yes. When?” 

“What day is it?” 

“ _John._ ” 

“Look. I didn’t wake up today to get told off by you.” Alexander felt like this must be what it was like for Eliza to come at his door and beg him to take care of himself more. He seriously didn’t not like this kind of karma just stinging him in the eye. John shifted, face pinched in a way that show a slight amount of regret. “Sorry. I’m just...not in the mood.” 

“Can I come in?” 

“I don’t...” John paused, looking at Alexander’s eyes for the first time since he opened the door. “Fine.” 

Alexander entered the apartment and wasn’t surprised at the state of it. If he didn’t know any better then he would have thought that John had gotten robbed. John had taken his place in front of his laptop, grabbing his tablet pen as he let the bright screen stare at him. 

“What...”

“Sorry for the mess,” John said. “I’ve been busy working.” 

“That’s all you’ve done?” Alex asked. 

“Yeah, I need to support myself somehow,” John replied. “I can’t be a big shot writer all in the span of my...current lifetime. I need to work harder.” 

He looked around. There were broken canvasses on the floor, papers crumpled and seemingly to be thrown at random. The couches were occupied by stacks of books and papers and the coffee table had already collected dust. The only spot that seemed clean and untouched was the kitchen.

“Have you slept at all? Have you even showered?” 

“Haven’t been sleepy and I don’t smell that bad.”

Alexander wanted to scream. It was so hard to talk to someone who didn’t want to acknowledge what was so glaringly wrong. “John, let’s go out to eat come on.” 

“Not hungry.” 

“Please.” 

“I said I’m not hungry.” 

“But can’t we lie down? Take a shower?” 

“You really don’t need to be concerned of me.”

“You’re my boyfriend.” 

“Yes.” 

“Well what do you want to do? Wallow here and fucking rot?” 

“I’m not a good for nothing, Alexander. I’m working now if you can’t fucking see that then you’re free to go.” 

“Working yourself to your grave maybe. Do you think this is someone sane would do?” 

“I’ve got to prove them wrong.” 

“Prove who wrong?” 

John sneered. “ _Them._ Those who have always doubted me.” 

“I don’t understand. You don’t have to be alone on this.” 

“I want to do this alone or else it wouldn’t be my work. I’d still be weak.” 

“John.” 

“Leave me the fuck alone. I don’t need you.” 

Alexander resented that he heard his voice crack as he said “You’re killing yourself, John.”

“Maybe I am.” 

And it clicks in his head, the reaction being like an avalanche curling into itself and breaking all the barriers. There is a roar in his ears that mimicked the ocean as he pieced together John.

John who found it hard to be intimate.

John who found it hard to sleep.

John who found it hard to wake up. 

John who found it hard to communicate without having a drink. 

John who didn’t care about looking both ways when crossing the street. 

John who didn’t eat.

John who always had a headache.

John who had developed a tolerance for painkillers.

John who always made self-deprecating comments.

John who was in front of him, tired. 

 

“Are you....do you....”

“What?”

“John, do you have depression?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyoooooooo I'M DONE WITH COLLEGE! OFFICIALLY! I'M GRADUATING! 
> 
> Anyway, sorry for this late update I was kinda busy but hey now it's here! Thank you for reading and please tell me if you have any insights/comments or anything to share really.


	9. Chapter 9

Alexander didn’t know what to think because an unbearable silence washed over them after he asked that question. He expected John to rage and scream at him, he even expected him to break something but John simply looked away from his screen and into the far distance for ten excruciating minutes ‘til he finally looked at Alexander.

“I need to be alone now,” John said as he stood up to face him.

“John, I’m so sorry,” Alexander said, voice pleading.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” John said, raising his hand slowly as if to pet his head but then stopped and let it fall by his side. “I need to think about some things and I can’t do that when you’re here.”

“Let me be here for you,” he said desperately.

“Here for me for what?” Alex couldn’t respond. “That’s exactly it, Alex, I don’t know what my problem is. We just know that I have a problem so I need to be with myself for a minute.”

“How will I know if you’re okay?” Alexander asked. He wanted to touch him but John looked like one of those displays that had the ‘beautiful to look at but easy to break’ signs on it.

“Don’t you trust me?” John asked.

“I...” he trailed off. “I’m not sure if I do anymore.”

John winced. “Fair enough.”

“So please.”

“You really can’t stay,” John said. “Not with me, not right now.”

“I don’t want you to die.” There. He said it. Out. He can’t stop himself anymore. “During the storm you were there for me. We worked as a team, so why can’t we be like that now? Why can’t you just share this burden with me?”

“Pray tell how are we going to share something I’m not even ready to address and something that we just now figured out. Alexander, you may want me there but I don’t want that sentiment reciprocated...not yet.”

That fucking stung. “Oh.”

“Alexander, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you. I just really don’t think this is something to be shared yet. I’m not ready. I don’t think I ever was.

Alexander fidgeted, feeling his throat close up suddenly but he forced himself to talk. “I don’t know what to do.”

John sighed, shaking his head. “If there’s anything you’ve ever taught me then it’s compromise.”

“What do you propose?”

“How about I text you at a specific time everyday until I’m better.”

Alexander bit his tongue, wanting to argue more. “That would...maybe suffice.”

“I know this is hard for you,” John said, placing a hand on Alexander’s arm. It’s the first time since he got there that they’ve even touched. “But please trust me when I say that it’ll all end up okay.”

Alexander felt stupid. John was the one who needed comfort and yet the opposite was happening. Alex always knew how to help or what to do but now he feels so useless. “Okay. You’re right.”

John softly cupped Alexander’s face, guiding him so that they’re finally making eye contact. “I’m uncertain. I always have been but for once in my life there’s you and we still have so much to do together so wait for me until you can’t anymore, okay? Wait. No. I’m not forcing you to wait I just—-”

“Okay. Okay, I’ll wait for you,” Alexander said. “But please...”

“Please?”

“Take a shower.”

John rolled his eyes, letting his face go as he made his way towards the bathroom. “I’m going, I’m going. You should be too, Alex. ”

When John feels water trickle down his body, he feels a little weight lifted off of him as if it was washed off and pushed into the drain. He takes his time with himself, opting to use that loofah sponge that he randomly got during a sponsored gig with the band. He feels less disgusting once he stepped out, even lesser when he got to brush his teeth and comb through his hair.

He felt semi-disappointed when he stepped out into his empty apartment. Alexander had left but not without organizing book stacks, compiling strewn up papers, and managing to even cook a little bit of food with a note just right beside it.

 

_‘I believe in you, darling. -A.Ham’_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Alexander was tucked in the corner of the couch, feeling like he’s deteriorating at an agonizingly slow rate. It can’t be helped. John would text him ‘I’m fine’ everyday but that was _so_ not enough. He shouldn’t be bothered but this is the first time that he’s ever had to experience something like this in a relationship. Alexander was used to being the recluse one.

He should be strong like in all the animes Peggy made him watch maybe with the help of his friends he would be able to overcome this in an hour like Meliodas or Naruto or whoever the fuck. Why does Peggy watch those anyway? Nevermind. He liked them too.

There he was on the couch of the Schuyler sisters.

“As much as it pains me to ask,” Remi asked, looking to his sisters for any sort of help. “What is up your butt?”

Alexander looked at him. “I’m fine.”

Remi slow blinked at him then looked at his sisters. “Um...I’m not good at this.”

Peggy sat down beside him, placing her hand on his arm. “Hey, hermit, what do you wanna do today? You’re not looking so hot.”

“I wanna kinda die on this chair, you know?” Alexander said. “I already feel emotionally attached to it. Will I accidentally hurt it?”

Peggy leaned back. “Um...knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Who.”

“Who who?”

“You sound like an owl.”

“Oh,” Alexander said, trailing off. “Birds of prey scare John.”

Peggy scowled at Angelica. “ _You try._ ”

Angelica and Peggy switched places. The eldest of the siblings took a deep breath before she said. “Alexander, this isn’t helping you at all come on aren’t you embarrassed of yourself?”

“I guess.”

Remi cringed. “Angelica, that’s not—-”

“Let’s get your sorry butt out the door and get some fresh air.”

Alex rubbed his arm. “I’d love to but you kinda hurt my feelings.”

Angelica shrank in the corner. “I’m sorry, I’ll reevaluate myself now.”

Peggy was about to try again when the door opened to reveal a disgruntled Eliza trying to fight her umbrella so that it could close. “Hey, I just got back from grocery shopping and they didn’t have the vegan....Alex?”

Alex smiled at her. “Hi, Liza.”

She dropped everything she was holding and sat beside him. “Hey, what’s wrong? Do you want to talk about it?”

“John’s having problems and I can’t help.”

Eliza paused a bit before speaking. “So...what do you want to do about it?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I guess I’m trying to distract myself now until this passes. I’m just upset that I can’t be a helpful friend.”

“Oh, well, it was always hard to distract you,” Eliza said. “There’s a new book store that just opened and they specialize in old books all over the world. Can you come with me to check it out?”

“That sounds interesting,” Alexander said. “Maybe I can check out some stuff for myself too?”

“Why not?” she smiled, slowly putting her hand on his. “I heard there was something on Japanese culture there and maybe you can tell John all about it after you’ve read it or lend him the book for art inspiration.”

“That’s a great idea,” he said. “Where is the place?”

“Just thirty minutes away from here if we walk,” she said. “Are you up for walking?”

“I think it’s good for catching up,” he said.

It was fun to hang out with Eliza again after a hiatus. She seemed more hesitant in things such as touching him or even jokingly flirting with him but, other than that, everything seemed fine. Everything kept happening as if he stood in the middle of the room and the walls were made up of TV screens. He could see what was happening but he wasn’t truly there.

It seems he’s a huge mess whenever romantic affiliations go to shit like this but it’s not his fault nor is it John’s fault, it’s just the way things are unfolding. In the grand scheme of things, he’s upset to have found himself lonesomely thinking that this might be the end of it. It was such a selfish thought but he knew it would be okay if it meant John would be okay. There is nothing in this world he’s not willing to do for the sake of a loved one’s betterment.

**  
[From: John]**

**Hey, I’m still fine.  
**

 

He sighed as he looked down at the text message. He was alone in that certain section of the bookstore yet he felt suffocated. He wanted to help and he wanted to see if John was truly fine. A week and a half has passed of these ‘I’m fine’ messages and Alex just had to endure for a bit longer. He had to be more patient.

“I heard you did some volunteer work?” Alexander asked when he found her looking at books about origami. It’s probably going to be one of those hobbies she’d like to take up but would drop after a week due to boredom.

Eliza hummed as she picked out a book. “I did. I volunteered in women’s shelters. I taught them how to sew some bags.”

“That sounds great,” Alexander said. “Very fitting for you.”

“Thanks,” she smiled. “You’re improving on your writings too.”

“Really? I thought I was already great.”

Eliza smiled, both fond yet somehow telling Alex that he was being ridiculous. “It’s more driven and richer in information and growth...if that even makes sense.”

Alexander shrugged. “I’ve been trying harder, I suppose.”

“You’re doing your best,” Eliza shrugged. “Now...my true intentions.”

Alex blinked. “What?”

Eliza placed three books in Alexander’s hands. “Could you scan those and tell me if it’s authentic or it’s just another white guy who claims he knows about Japanese origami.”

Alexander groaned. “Fine.”

When night came, Eliza and Alexander ate at Mcdonald’s before parting ways. Alexander had, unsurprisingly, came home with books of asian war criminals and a recipe book that he’s excited to try out. It was a little less empty in his chest and it felt nice. He took his time when he showered and then took an even longer time as he leisurely checked his blog and emails. It was like he was walking on a tightrope but he kept his balance well.

 

 

 

It took a few days but he finally started to sleep peacefully...

 

....until he woke up at three in the morning with no proper reason at all. It was almost frustrating to not find a reason for why he’s suddenly awake. He decided to just grab his phone, surprised by how someone was calling him. It was John.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Alex.”

“John,” Alex said, sitting up. “It’s late.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep,” John said. “And, if I’m being honest, I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” he replied sincerely.

There was a silence between them, hesitant on what they should say. “I went to therapy today, well, I’ve been going since that day.”

Alexander smiled. “Really? That’s so amazing of you. I’m so proud of you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. How was it?”

“She told me to talk about myself. I’m going back tomorrow for further assessment before I can get any sort of prescription.”

“You’re okay with taking medicine?”

“It’s sort of inevitable at this point. I just want to get better.”

“What else have you done recently?”

“I cleaned my apartment. I can’t wait for you to visit because I moved some things around and finally bought some new things to organize my “piles of shit” as you say.”

“Did you finally get a proper saucepan?” He teased.

“Yeah and it’s yellow too.” It was almost heart melting how excited John sounded about a damn saucepan being yellow. God. Alexander missed him so much. This was ridiculous.

“I just bought a cookbook today. This is exciting.”

“That’s fitting that you bought a cookbook and I got a saucepan. Also, it’s the first time in a long time that I painted for fun as well. I forgot how much I really enjoyed it.”

“Really? What did you paint?”

“It’s a surprise,” John said through a yawn. “Oh, I’m also trying to set up a new routine in my life so I’ve been working out and scheduling my work hours and then I’m trying to have a proper sleep schedule.”

“Hey, you’re tired. Why don’t you sleep?”

“No m’not tired. I miss you.”

“Darling, we can talk tomorrow if you want.”

“How have you been?”

Alexander sighed, a fond smile escaping him. This was stubborn John after all. “I’ve been good. I was with Eliza the other day and I helped her look for some books.”

“Oh, that sounds awesome and very...you?”

“Yeah, I think I was too dialled in with my work so that’s why I went to the Schuylers.”

“Hey, I’m glad you have a good support system.”

“You also have that by the way.”

John snorts. “I’m slow to realize, I suppose.”

“Yeah, well, it’s alright,” Alexander said, shrugging even though John couldn’t see it.

“Have you seen any good shows lately?”

“Tall Girl?”

“ _Shut up._ ” John was laughing and it was such a good sound. “I’ve been watching Unbelievable.”

“I’m glad it didn’t make you spiral,” Alexander said. “It’s certainly hard for me.”

“Oh it makes it a bit hard for me but the personality of the two detectives are so nice.”

They spent maybe an hour or more talking about random things as if that day never happened and that they were both okay. John was going out on long walks in the late afternoons while listening to horror podcasts and Alexander tried his hand at baking since he can’t possibly mess that up with so many instructions that comes with it.

It’s when Alexander yawns that there was a slight pause in their conversation. “Sorry.”

“You’re sleepy, Lex, maybe you should head to bed,” John said. “I doubt you’ve been sleeping well these past few days.”

Alexander frowned. “I don’t want to end the call though.”

“Well, we don’t have to. I’ll stay on the line until you fall asleep.”

“Promise?”

John chuckled. “Yeah, I promise.”

“Are you gonna sing me to sleep?” Alexander asked as he put the phone on loud speaker. He proceeded to lie down and find a more comfortable position.

“Sure thing,” John said. “Any requests?”

“Disney.”

“He’s a tramp but I love him, breaks a new he—-”

“Oh _shut_ up.”

John laughed. “Alright so I take it a romantic one?”

“Please.”

“Look how she lights up the sky, Ma Belle Evangeline. So far above me yet I, know her heart belongs to only me. Je t'adore, Je t'aime, Evangeline. You're my queen of the night, so still, so bright that someone as beautiful as she, could love someone like me. Love always finds a way it's true. And I love you. Evangeline....”

It takes a few moments for Alexander to fade, he really wanted to hold on and have John finish the song but his eyes slide shut and the pillow on his back pressed into him in a way that feels like someone is holding him. Then, he feels himself try to say something but he can’t quite get it out.

“...Love is beautiful. Love is wonderful! Love is everything.” A pause as Alexander slips away, barely even registering his words anymore. “Look how you light up my sky, I love you..”

 

 

* * *

Alexander realized that that phone call was all that he needed to push through another week with John just saying “hey, I’m fine”. John may have felt the same way since he sometimes switches out the “hey, I’m fine” with “yo, I’m still alive” or “stressed, depressed, but doing my fucking best” (the last one was corny but it’ll have to do).

It was nice to have a breathing room without John there because despite the fact that they were in a nice relationship, he still had responsibilities what with supporting Washington in the senate but also trying to be unbiased in his blog. He just didn’t realize how much of it was in his hands but he loved it.

It was peaceful and quiet in his apartment, he had just finished cleaning every inch of the space before he sat down in front of his laptop. He hoped that he would tackle another article concerning climate change as it is a looming problem that would surely bite them in the ass pretty soon.

So, yes, it was peaceful...

...until his door slammed open with Lafayette breathing heavily, his eyes wide and predatory.

“Uh,” Alexander said stupidly. “Come in?”

Lafayette inhaled deeply. It almost looked animated. “The results are in.”

“What?” Alexander felt his palms sweat.

“Law school, Alexander Hamilton, get with the times!” Lafayette exclaimed. “Check your email, morse code George Washington, have the fucking cavalry ready.”

“Calm down, Laf,” Alexander said exasperatedly. He turned to his laptop again and checked his email. He wondered why today of all days, he decided not to check his emails as soon as he woke up.

There it was.

The e-mail.

“Open it,” Lafayette said, pushing his shoulder lightly.

“Yeah, yeah, I was getting to that.”

It was so silent that you could hear a pin drop and all of a sudden blood rushed into his ears like a deafening roar that he was almost sure wouldn’t be there had he not read the word ‘Congratulations.’ The next thing he knew Lafayette had all but disregarded his neck and began shaking him violently with a sound coming out of his mouth that he could only describe as “banshee-like”.

When he had calmed down, Alexander looked at him seriously. “We’re going to law school. We’re actually doing this.”

“Yes we are, _mon ami_.” Lafayette looked absolutely ecstatic. “We should celebrate!”

“I don’t think I—-” He looked at Lafayette. “They already know don’t they?”

Lafayette bit his lip to keep his grin from getting any bigger. “Yeah.”

“A drink or two can’t possibly...hurt?” Alexander trailed off. He was so going to regret this tomorrow morning because, of course, being with the Schuylers and Lafayette with alcohol involved meant just going haywire.

“Peggy’s place at 7PM, pajama themed!” Lafayette said. “I’m off now!”

Alexander sighed then called out. “Be careful!”

He looked at his phone, quiet as ever. He knew that there was no way John could know and it’s not like he’d manually go check the website of the school but still it was nice to hope. He didn’t know how John would react or...he didn’t want a lack of reaction even so he decided that maybe it was best to just leave it at that and mention it once they’ve settled.

For now, there’s an “I’m fine” text and that’s enough.

 

 

 

Remi, against all odds, got wasted. They had bought him some vodka since he was vegan and none of them touched it apart from him. It was maybe less than half of the night and he was already battling shades of red with a tomato. He was also eyeing Alexander intensely the whole night. The others have settled with soju which was more, as Peggy put, aesthetic and clean. Alexander didn’t argue because each shot of soju went down smoothly.

He hasn’t laughed out loud in a while—-until now and he didn’t know at which point in the night it started probably when Peggy drunkenly sang La Vie En Rose in fluid french with Lafayette involuntarily turning red all over or maybe when Eliza started a rap battle with Angelica...and _won_ but he was grateful that he was here.

Even Herc was present despite that fact that he had so many sketches to render but he’s never known Herc to panic over things like that. He was very skilled so seeing him here now with a glass of whiskey in his hand like he was one of those old men that purchased custom suits was very nice.

“Can I talk to you?” Remi asked, slowly scooting closer beside him on the couch. Everyone was busy with their own conversation or listening to the music.

Alexander took a shot. “Yeah? What about?”

Remi shrugged. “John. How is he?”

“He says he’s fine and that he’s working on himself,” Alexander said.

“Oh, that’s good.”

There was something there that he was missing. “Is that all that you wanted to discuss?”

“Not exactly,” Remi said then sighed. “You know, I just find it hard to communicate with him sometimes and I guess it’s hard to talk to me too because we wouldn’t have this conversation if I was sober.”

“I don’t recall ever having a long conversation with you,” Alexander said, straightforward.

“I’m glad John is doing fine,” Remi said again, swirling his drink in his glass, staring at it as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. “It’s hardly ‘The Movement’ without him there. I miss him.”

“Me too,” Alexander agreed. “It’s not as if like one-a-day texts or moderate phone calls are enough to satisfy me.”

“At least you get updates.”

“That can’t be where the bar is.”

“It is with him.”

Alexander eyed him carefully, wondering what version of Remi he’s talking to right now and if he’s saying the right things at this moment. “Are you alright?”

“I’m incredibly jealous of you,” Remi said, sounding so defeated. “And it took me weeks to accept that that's what I am feeling towards you.”

Alexander felt the truth creeping up on him but he’s going to deny it further. “What did I do?”

“It’s nothing you’ve done,” he replied. “It’s not anyone’s fault. I was...I just didn’t realize that I liked John as much as I did.”

“Oh.” He had to set his drink down on the table and wipe the palm of his hands on his lap. He had to quickly wonder if there was another Schuyler that liked the two of them so that he can avoid more of these revelations in the future. “I—-I didn’t realize.”

Remi laughed. “No it’s okay, Ham. John and I agreed that there’d be no feelings involved and I didn’t take him seriously...probably all the romantic movies. I was stupid enough to think that maybe I could change his mind.”

“What happened?”

“Well, he realized that I had feelings for him so he quickly ended our arrangement. I kept hoping that he’d come back but then you came along.”

“I’m sorry.”

Remi ignored him. “I kept thinking that maybe he’d grow tired of you but then he does these things I’ve never seen him do for me or for anyone. I quickly realized that I was being a shithead.”

“It makes sense.”

“...thanks?”

“No, I mean, it makes sense to me now that you like him because you look at him differently.”

“Yeah, trying to get rid of that,” Remi huffed.

“Why are you telling me this?”

He shrugged. “For closure? To move on? Hell. I don’t know. I want to apologize...I guess. I’m sorry for thinking up such vile things.”

“It’s not a problem, you can’t quite help what you feel,” Alexander said, placing a hand on Remi’s knee. “How long have you felt this way?”

Remi pursed his lips, looking away. “A year.”

Alexander winced. “It’ll take time.”

“Judging from what my sister had to do to move on from you then, yeah, I guess it will,” Remi said.

“Well—-” His phone buzzed.

John’s name popped up on his screen and he felt immense guilt when he looked up and saw Remi looking away with a sad smile. “You take care of him, Hamilton. I really don’t know what I did to be in this position but we’re here now.”

“I will.”

Remi stood up and headed for the balcony as Alexander looked down at his phone again.

 

**[From: John]**

**Congratulations for getting into law school, mio soldatino. I’ll see you soon and I’ll make it up to you.**

 

He sighed and clutched his phone.

 

_I wish you were here with me now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol hi it's been a while hasn't it. I'm surprised I could even update. I missed this fic. I
> 
> How have you been? I'd appreciate if you comment and/or kudos my work. I read them in the mornings and it makes my day. x


	10. Chapter 10

Most people would _love_ to have grand celebrations with every little bit of milestones they accomplish but this...this is a little bit too much. Alexander stood in the corner, palms sweaty as he watched his friends wine and dine like proper people as if they didn’t just get wasted on soju and vodka last week and bopped to Britney Spears. 

George Washington decided to throw him something akin to a family banquet. It was much smaller than the event last time but still people from the senate were here and it’s not like he could actually call this a young person’s party (young people party don’t play “Johann Strauss II - Vienna Blood Waltz”). It could be the fact that he was more or less in his mid-twenties and he wasn’t considered that young of a person anymore but _still_ maybe just a small intimate dinner would have sufficed especially since Imposter Syndrome was creeping up on him. 

This is probably a good campaign as it felt like he had wedged his metaphorical foot in the metaphorical door and Alexander kept repeating this sentiment over and over and over again until the middle of the night wherein he could finally believe it. He didn’t usually mind these parties but this time it was about him and everyone seemed to watch him and he kept thinking about what they probably think of him going to law school. 

“You alright?” George asked. “You don’t seem to be enjoying yourself.” 

“I’m not quite sure,” Alexander sighed. “I guess it’s the reason why this party was held. I would have preferred a small dinner. I don’t feel I deserve this.” 

George chuckled. “The sooner you get used to Martha and I throwing you parties like these, the better it will get. We believe in you so much, son.” 

“And I won’t fail you,” Alexander said, feeling like he needed to salute. “But, seriously, I feel like a small dinner w...” _with John._ “...would have been enough.” 

George shrugged, lazily smiling at him. “Humor me. I like having a reason to dance with Martha.”

“Ah,” he hummed. “So that’s it.” 

“Partly,” George said. “Go up the balcony for fresh air if you must, I’ll send someone to get you once we do a toast or something.” 

“Did Martha compose the speech again?” 

“Yes and I do owe her a dance.” 

Alexander quietly slipped upstairs, looking back to see if anyone followed then leaned on the railing as he looked up at the stars. There’s only so much he can see given that they were in a city but, still, it held a bit comfort to know that there was a wide space above him. He usually felt suffocated when he sees tall buildings tower over him and it felt nice just to see the clearing. 

Where is he going from here on out? It felt like a sudden wind of change had just slapped him right across the face. Nevermind the fact that he had a good relationship going on....how about his career? This seemed like the calm before the storm. This seemed like the silence before the inevitable explosion. Was it good or bad, who knows? He’s ready. 

He remembered seeing his dead mother’s face and thinking that he wouldn’t even live past the age of eighteen but here he was against all odds. If he managed to do that then there’s nothing that’s going to stop him now, _especially_ now. 

At the age of 8, all Alexander had was a ratty stuffed toy rabbit on a stick to play with and from that he would compose all kinds of stories for his mom. He would talk about this long voyage this rabbit on a stick had all while his mom cleaned the dishes. She would laugh and hide her smile behind the back of her hand like she usually did then she would tell Alexander to tell her something weirder, think of something that no one could have possibly thought about.

Who’d have known that he would be like that rabbit on a stick. If only his mom were here now to share a bottle of champagne with him or to gently put a hand on his shoulder and tell him how proud she is because she probably would have been...probably is...wherever she is. 

 

Alexander sighed. 

“Troubled?” 

He froze, slowly turning around as if it would break some sort of magical illusion. “John?” 

John stood in front of him a wide smile and looking so frustratingly gorgeous. There was this healthy glow to his skin that made Alexander smile wide. The bags under John’s eyes were gone and he seemed to have a calm aura about him. “Hey, congratulations on—- _woah._ ” 

Alexander immediately tackled him with a hug. “You’re here. I missed you.” 

“I wanted to see you,” John said, hand wrapping around Alexander’s nape possessively. He leaned down and kissed him on the crown of his head. “Also, George invited me so...”

“George knows how to contact you?” Alexander said, pulling away and giving him a curious look. 

“Asked the Schuylers for my contact details and all that,” John shrugged. “How have you been?” 

“I’ve been good,” Alexander grinned. “I passed law school.” 

“Again, congrats,” John smiled, hand cupping Alexander’s cheek. “And this is probably late but...” 

Alexander shook his head with a smile, closing his eyes as he met John’s lips with his. And, _fucking finally, god, you do exist_ , he missed this. He hadn’t realized how long it’s been since he last kissed John and the answer would probably be “too long”. 

When they pulled away for air, Alexander still lightly clung onto him and John didn’t seem to mind it. It’s probably a given since it’s been a while since they’ve seen each other at all. Alexander tried to rememorize the freckles on John’s face and John tucked a strand of hair behind Alexander’s hair. 

“How have you been?” Alexander asked. 

John shook his head, knowing what Alexander wanted to hear. “Today is your day. I don’t want to ruin it with a sob story.” 

“Technically, every day is my day so,” Alexander said, ending it with a shrug. “And you know I care about you enough to not care about the complexities of whatever formality you’re thinking up.” 

John rolled his eyes. “Almost forgot who I was dating for a minute there.” 

“So?” 

“You sure?” Alexander nodded, reminding John of a small child waiting for their bedtime story. John huffed a little laugh, leaning on the railing with his back towards the view and his front fully facing Alexander. The other man was fully in John’s space, hands not knowing where to go so they settled for John’s chest. “I don’t know how to start. There’s a lot to unpack.” 

Alexander’s head tilted like how a puppy would tilt theirs. “I mean unpacking is usually messy, isn’t it? Often procrastinated.” 

“Let’s start with the fact that I wasn’t a happy child,” John said. “My father was abusive—-” Alexander took note of the wince. “ —-it’s hard to say it when you don’t feel like you were abused. He didn’t hit me so I thought...you know?” 

“Yeah,” he said, nodding. 

“It was because of my sexuality and it didn’t help that I was also bullied in school for it,” John smiled wryly. “You see even though it was hard I never found a reason to hide who I was. I thought I came out unscathed but all that torment was the reason why I find it so hard to be intimate and trusting. I was made to feel ashamed. I felt like I needed to hide or else someone else will suffer for my sake.” 

Alexander nodded again, just kept listening and pushing him to go on. 

“It’s come to a point wherein I can’t even express myself and I feel like I’m losing precious moments because of it.” John had stood straight up and signalled Alex to walk with him. It was easy to fall into step, not even realizing where they were walking to and what was happening. He was just happy to follow where John went. “I developed Bipolar Disorder I.” 

“What does that mean?” Alexander asked. 

“It means that I have very high highs and very low lows and it could go on for days, weeks, or months. I’m taking medication for it as I said but it’s still gonna be a while til I’m going to be able to fully manage my mood,” John said. “When I’m manic or high I just feel so unstoppable and like I don’t need rest but I’m also so irritable but when I’m in my depressive state or low it feels like everything is ending and like I just wanna...die.” 

Alexander contemplated for a bit then immediately said. “I’ll help you however I can.” 

John gave him a soft smile. “I know.” 

“And now?” 

“Now,” John repeated, stopping and coming to stand in front of him. “I’m tired of being ashamed and I’m going to fix that in small little steps.” Alexander watched as John’s hand was on his arm then slid down to his palm, their fingers automatically intertwining. “I want to hold my boyfriend’s hand everytime I goddamn please.” 

Alexander felt his face heat up. “Oh.” 

John placed another firm hand on Alexander’s waist, pulling him close. “And I want to slow dance with you in the middle of a crowded room because I fucking can.” 

“Vienna Blood is a waltz song though.” It was all Alexander could say because he was now fully aware that all eyes were on them and he hadn’t even noticed that they were in the middle of the makeshift dance floor. 

John rolled his eyes. “Give it a second.” 

The song shifted much to Alexander’s surprise, he delightfully clung onto John as he felt John shift so that Alexander was being held by the waist. “Did you plan all this?” 

“To make it up to you,” John said. “Nearly lost the grand timing because you wanted me to tell you about my condition.”

Alexander huffed. “Well, I wanted to know if my boyfriend will be alright.” 

“Yeah thank you for making me monologue my weeks of being without you,” John said as he stepped back and spun Alexander around, smiling at the tiny ‘ _oh what_ ’ Alexander blurted out. 

Alexander sighed. “You’re unbelievable, John Laurens.” 

“Would it be pushing it if I asked to stay over at your place tonight?” John asked. 

Alexander laughed. “You’d be a dimwit to think I’d ever let you go now.”

 

 

The next morning when Alexander woke up with a throbbing headache and John was nowhere to be seen. He sighed and wore one of his baggy hoodies before he exited his bedroom. He made a mental note to text John as soon as he ate and drank his aspirin.

“Good morning!” Alexander jumped at the sound. John was sat on the kitchen island with his hair tied up in a bun and plates filled with food in front of him. He had a random book in hand, looking closely he realized it was ‘The Alchemist’. “I wake up early as part of my routine so I made us some food. I hope you don’t mind.” 

Alexander stared at him blankly, making a beeline towards John before he wrapped his arms around the man. “Thanks.” 

John leaned down and kissed his forehead. “No problem.” 

“So...you and Remi, huh?” Alexander scoffed. 

The other man snorted. “He told you stuff?” 

“No details,” Alexander said as he sat across him. “Was hoping you’d fill me in?” 

John raised his brow. “Maybe after you eat.” 

“How about...” he trailed off. “After five bites and I drink my aspirin.” 

John gave him a slow blink then an exaggerated sigh like a mom to their child. “Well, _alright._ ” 

Alexander smiled and focused on his food, looking at his phone and putting it screen down on the table as he chewed. He wanted to spend his time with John at the moment before they both get busy again. John laughed lightly and Alexander’s animated actions, he then proceeded to flip a page in his book he almost forgot about. 

It was a nice peaceful morning and, hopefully, there would be no Lafayette to storm in. Alexander felt grateful to feel this, the sunlight streaming through his window made him feel this sense of renewal and completion. It’s as if they were starting over again. 

John looked up at his book to find Alexander staring at him. He chuckled, placing his book down. “We had an arrangement.” 

“So you were fuck buddies?” 

He snorted. “Yes.” 

“Ooooh.” 

“It was only for five months an—-” 

“ _Five months?_ ” Alexander coughed. “Uh, sorry, continue.” 

“Yes, five months. I always reminded him that there shouldn’t be feelings involved and he sorta just brushed it off but I could tell that by the fifth month he was demanding more of me and it wasn’t really something I was comfortable with. It was bordering on an actual relationship.” 

“I’m glad he stayed in the band then.”

“Oh, you know,” John said, rolling his eyes. “Angelica and Eliza made us sign a contract saying that no matter what happened between us it wouldn’t affect the band.”

“That’s not enough to—-” 

“With a hundred dollar deposit,” John said. 

Alexander choked. “You agreed to fuck with Remi even with that agreement?” 

He shrugged. “He’s my friend so I was comfortable with it and I trusted him enough. I see my mistake now though.” 

“Did you ever have feelings for him?” Alexander asked. It’s not that he was jealous, he was more curious of the life John had before him and it was interesting that they haven’t met sooner. 

John paused for thought. “No. I didn’t like him in that way.” 

“Okay,” Alexander said, continuing on to eat his meal. 

“Was that all you wanted to know?” 

Alexander shrugged. “I was just curious.” 

“How anticlimactic,” John said letting out an exaggerated sigh. 

He laughed. “Did you want me to be a brat about it and act all jealous?” 

John pointedly avoided his gaze. “ _Well._ ” 

Alexander laughed harder. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I admit the thought doesn’t exactly please me but I’m much too happy that you’re here with me to even bother.” 

“Anyway, do you want to go school supply shopping later?” John asked. 

“You really are a mother hen.” 

“Aw, come on, I haven’t done school supply shopping since forever.” 

“Very specific.”

“Shut up.”

“Let’s go this afternoon then.” 

“You don’t have anything to do, do you?” 

Alexander shook his head. “No, I’ve queued my posts and I’m set for three months.” 

John blinked. “You wrote three months worth of stuff?” 

“I had a lot of time,” Alexander shrugged. “Besides, I’ll still be writing about current events here and there.” 

“Sounds good.”

“How about you?” 

“I’ve passed my revisions to Lim and I’ve finished everything else last week before I planned going to your party.” John began to stack some of the empty plates on top of one another. “I decided to have a month off of taking in graphic design projects aside from Lim’s since I think I might need to rest. I’ll still go to gigs though.” 

“That sounds awesome.” And, frankly, it soothed Alexander’s nerves.

When they finished eating, Alexander proceeded to wash the dishes as John stood beside him and dried them. When they finished washing the dishes, John took phone calls while Alexander answered some emails. When they finished with the phone calls and emails, Alexander went into the bathroom to shower while John read his book then they switched places once Alexander was done. It was easy.

They moved together fluidly as if it was all planned out, as if they have done this numerous times before. Alexander finds it sort of dumb that he’s happy about the fact that John knows where to store his plates, finds it idiotic that his heart skips a beat at John’s “are we gonna cook dinner when we get home?” (“why not” “let’s drop by and get some groceries then right after”). 

The commute there was close to silent. They didn’t really have to talk all the time to have a meaningful time together. The whirring of the train as it moved was enough to fill the silent spaces in between and, besides, Alexander felt John intertwine their fingers together as he read his book and Alexander scrolled through some stuff on his phone. It was all enough.

“You must really be interested in that book.” 

John smiled, gaze still on the book. “I don’t want to be on my phone.” 

“Oh, I see.” 

When they got to where the school/office supplies were, he didn’t expect how excited John would be as he pointed out the differences of every highlighter (“this one is meant to withstand being uncapped for a long time, you might need this!”) to which Alexander just shrugged and went with it. He absolutely loved seeing John’s different reaction to things even though it’s just some fucking pink staple wire. 

“So, what do you actually need?” John asked as Alexander wondered how he could carry all of those things with just one hand. He had staple wire, pens, stickers, and notepads. He almost seemed like he was going into a frenzy.

“You can put those in the basket, you know,” Alexander chuckled. He checked his phone for the list he made in his notes. “Do we have folders, already?” 

“Nope,” John said, popping the ‘p’. “I think they’re in the next aisle.” 

It’s something about the fluorescent lights probably. He’s almost certain of it. It just doesn’t do justice with John’s tan complexion and the shade of his eyes. There’s something he can’t justify about this, something that isn’t right. The bubbling in his stomach has clawed its way up to his throat and he doesn’t know how to shut up.

John takes his hand again once he’s let go of the things he was holding, leading him from one aisle to the next, looking genuinely interested in the packaging of paper clips (“Alex, they’re gold. It’s so neat. Who would be an important enough client to use these for?”). This isn’t easy. 

“John?” 

John ripped his gaze off of the emerald envelopes. “Yeah?” 

“I love you.” 

He smiled slowly like honey trickling downwards. “Oh, my Alexander, is that why you’re so quiet?” 

“I love you.” 

A chaste kiss was pressed on his cheek. “I know.” 

Alexander sighed, feeling a weight lifted. “Thanks.” 

“Now, what do you think of these emerald folders?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I'm ending it here but I've got a few ideas in my head so probably not


End file.
